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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24467257">The Shape You've Grown</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover'>FallLover</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ableism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background HankCon - Freeform, Connor &amp; Upgraded Connor | RK900 Friendship, Connor &amp; Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Depression, Disabled Character, Elijah Kamski &amp; Gavin Reed are Siblings, Elijah Kamski Being Elijah Kamski, Flashbacks, Good Elijah Kamski, Hank Anderson/Connor - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Paralysis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, RK900's name is nathan, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tina Chen &amp; Gavin Reed Friendship, Wheelchairs, imposter syndrome, somewhat dark Connor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:48:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,801</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24467257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan has run into some dead ends on his case load, and needs Gavin's help to solve them. But Connor nearly murdered Gavin in the evidence room, and left him paralyzed, and now Gavin doesn't want to talk to anyone from the DPD, let alone an android wearing Connor's face.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Upgraded Connor | RK900 &amp; Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>254</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Clarity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627256">Dark Connor paralyzing Gavin during their Evidence Room fight</a> by Verizontally.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vertizontally">Verizontally's</a> amazing twitter thread, and <a href="https://twitter.com/Tic_ally">Tic_ally's</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/Tic_ally/status/1264016634060124160">amazing follow-up</a></p><p>Fic title from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWJE52G6mXo">"Never Look Away"</a> by Vienna Teng.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Chris, do you know how I might contact Detective Gavin Reed?”</p><p>Officer Miller froze, then blinked at Nathan. He swallowed. “Uh…”</p><p>Nathan waited, wondering why Chris was wasting their time. The office was as busy as ever in the post-Revolution. Crime hadn’t gone to sleep, and android hate crimes were such an issue that Hank was in charge of a group of officers to deal with the problem, and coordinated with Connor and Markus in Jericho.</p><p>Nathan was going through a backlog of older cases in a rare moment of spare time. Some homicides that had been shoved to the side in the wake of everything. He’d noticed most of his cases were apparently leftovers of Reed’s, and the man no longer worked for the DPD. There were no records of him transferring to another precinct, mysteriously disappearing, retiring, dying, or some other circumstance Nathan couldn’t ponder, so the situation was a bit odd.</p><p>“Why… do you need to talk to him?” Chris asked.</p><p>“Several witnesses I need clarification on have died or disappeared during the Revolution. Reed may have information I need to help sort it out. And his notes are at times not that illuminating.”</p><p>“Yeah he had his own system…” Chris replied, looking off into nowhere.</p><p>“So where is he?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“Oh, uh… Well… I don’t… really know? He doesn’t work here anymore. So… I mean normally you’d talk to Tina but they’re not talking anymore, so… I guess maybe Captain Fowler?”</p><p>Nathan could tell Chris was hiding something, but he didn’t care. He had a solution to his problem. He stood up and walked to Captain Fowler’s office.</p><hr/><p>“…Why can’t you just do it without his information?” Fowler asked again.</p><p>“It might be impossible to solve some of these cases without his insight,” Nathan replied, standing in front of Fowler’s desk. The door was closed, the room was eerily quiet. Nathan didn’t let on that it made him tense. Silent rooms unsettled him for reasons he tried not to think about.</p><p>Too similar to the room he was left in when they were testing him. A big open room that emptied at the end of shifts, where he was left to process the day’s work, or go into stasis. Even when the scientists who’d worked on him were around they left an odd bubble around him. Talking to each other like he wasn’t there. He was an object that needed to function properly, so it made sense. At the time, Nathan hadn’t considered it beyond a faint unsettled… something… in his system. But the memories washed over him at times, reminding him.</p><p>Even though he enjoyed working alone, he preferred to at least play music or something to clear up the silence.</p><p>Fowler sighed. “He’s not taking any calls from us. His family says he won’t talk to us.”</p><p>Nines pursed his lips. “Then I’ll go visit him. The worst he can do is close the door in my face.”</p><p>“…Fine. But if he tells you to leave, you scram, got it?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Fowler turned to his computer.</p><hr/><p>Nathan hadn’t quite expected anything in particular before or even after Fowler explained who Gavin’s personal contact was.</p><p>“…Yes, Captain?” Elijah Kamski’s voice came over the office speakers. The voice was no different than the recordings Nathan had listened to, or the memories Connor had shared. Nathan felt nothing for what to some was a kind of god. Nathan remembered a small, patronizing human in a bathrobe thinking he owned the world, and with the money and privilege to show he did, after a fashion. Ordering Connor to play games for his entertainment, like Connor was a toy.</p><p>So it was a mix of contempt and ambivalence that went through him as he listened to Kamski’s voice.</p><p>“Afternoon, Mr. Kamski,” Fowler replied. “How are you?”</p><p>“…Splendid. And yourself?”</p><p>“I’m good. One of my officers needs to speak with Gavin.”</p><p>“…Gavin isn’t going to talk with them.”</p><p>“It’s about his previous cases.”</p><p>“He doesn’t care.”</p><p>Fowler breathed in, slowly and quietly, “Would you… please… ask him? I’d like his input. There’s the potential this could make the difference between catching some very bad people.”</p><p>“…Fine. Give me a moment.”</p><p>The line was silent. Nathan reviewed the cases he was looking over. He’d looked them over a dozen times already, made itemized lists of the very least he needed. There was no way to avoid reaching out to Reed at this stage.</p><p>In the time they waited for Kamski’s response, Nathan went through his files four times. Slowly.</p><p>“He says no,” Kamski finally replied.</p><p>Fowler opened his mouth, but Nathan interjected, “What is Detective Reed’s objection to the situation? It’s just information.” He ignored Fowler’s glare.</p><p>“...Who is this?” Kamski asked.</p><p>“Officer Nathan Anderson,” Fowler replied. “He’s the officer who needs Gavin’s input.”</p><p>“Well, Officer Anderson, Gavin doesn’t talk to anyone these days. Especially on the phone, and he doesn’t… like to be reminded of work.”</p><p>Nathan frowned. “What if I came and saw him in person?”</p><p>“…Do you know Gavin?” Kamski asked.</p><p>“No. We have never met.”</p><p>“I highly doubt he’ll see you.”</p><p>“I believe it is worth a shot. My understanding is that Detective Reed was dedicated to his work. I find it hard to believe he would see it dissolve in his absence.”</p><p>Kamski was silent for a long time.</p><p>“...Fine.”</p><hr/><p>“You shouldn’t go,” Connor said as Nathan finished packing an overnight bag. Kamski and Reed had moved out of state, so it would be an overnight trip. Nathan had of course told Connor and Hank where he was going and why.</p><p>“I wish to do my job, and I need Reed’s help for it,” Nathan replied. “I’ll be back in no time.”</p><p>“He’s dangerous,” Connor said.</p><p>Nathan frowned and looked at him.</p><p>Connor's expression was mostly impassive, but there was the slightest hint of a frown around his lips. He was hiding siding.</p><p>“What did he do?”</p><p>Connor looked away. “A lot of things.”</p><p>“I don’t think he’ll be much of a threat to Nathan at this point,” Hank said, leaning on the doorframe to Nathan’s room. “Unless he pulled a gun. In which case, I think Nathan’s just fine. After all, Nathan’s based on your code, Connor.”</p><p>Connor’s lips pinched and he huffed before walking away.</p><p>Nathan noted Hank was specifically looking at Connor, and the look… was unreadable.</p><p>“You’re both being overly mysterious about this,” Nathan replied. “What did Reed <em>do</em>?”</p><p>“…A lot of things,” Hank replied when Connor didn’t say anything. “A fucking lot. It’s in the past, though. Just… be careful around him. That’s all. He doesn’t like androids. Or he didn’t, anyway, haven’t spoken to him since… Although… I imagine he still doesn’t.”</p><p>And that was how Nathan found himself in front of Kamski’s little mansion on the edge of a sunny city. The place was rather reminiscent of Kamski’s Detroit residence. Nathan supposed consistency in design for one’s residence was expected, especially when money wasn’t an issue.</p><p>Shortly after he rang the doorbell, a Chloe answered. She wore a nice summer dress and had her hair down. She smiled at him. Her LED was removed. Not that Nathan was judgemental – his was gone as well; he didn’t want people to read his moods via his forehead mood ring – but it was interesting. The retention and removal of the LED was a hot topic among androids.</p><p>“Officer Anderson. A pleasure to meet you. Please come in.”</p><p>Nathan followed where she gestured. Inside was… neat and almost modernist to the point of sterility.</p><p>“So you’re Officer Anderson,” Kamski said as he walked through a nearby doorway. The man wore sweatpants and a t-shirt that read “If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn’t be engineers”. He was wiping his hands with a black towel. His hair had grown longer since his last public appearance, and now fell past his chin. “Pleasure to meet you. You’ll have to pardon my not shaking your hand. I’ve been working.”</p><p>“Of course. A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kamski.” Nathan found Kamski’s scrutiny… odd. Nathan knew his own history was a matter of public record. He was the second official android police officer, and his serial number was usually printed with his name. Nathan assumed Kamski had looked him up. But the man didn’t ask any questions.</p><p>Kamski smiled lightly, then said, “I don’t know that this will work, honestly. He barely talks to us. To anyone. And he has good days and bad days, but today… Today’s a bad day, really.”</p><p>“I see. I can come back, but I would like to at least… present my case to him.”</p><p>“Of course. My rules still stand, though. If he wants you to leave, you need to leave.”</p><p>“That sounds fine.”</p><p>“And I’m going to sit in with you.”</p><p>Nathan studied Kamski for a moment. “...The topics we’re going to discuss are privileged information, Mr. Kamski.”</p><p>“I understand. ...At least until I’m sure he’s okay with you being there, all right?”</p><p>“…All right.”</p><p>“Good. …Good.” Kamski gestured and Nathan followed after him, his tablet in his hands. He’d already dropped his things at his hotel.</p><p>They walked through the large house and finally stopped at a bedroom with a closed door. Kamski knocked loudly. “Gavin? I’ve got someone here who wants to see you.”</p><p>There was no reply.</p><p>Kamski eventually reached down and opened the door, letting them in.</p><p>Nathan took in the room as he followed Kamski inside. It was rather spacious. Nearly half the size of Hank’s house. A large bed, a mini gym, a TV, a small lounge area… and there was Reed sitting by the window, staring outside, while sitting in a wheelchair.</p><p>Nathan blinked, considering. He hadn’t seen any references that Reed was a wheelchair user. The cases he’d looked at showed that Reed had been involved in ground pursuits. So Reed was injured at some point after the cases, perhaps.</p><p>“Gavin?” Kamski asked, walking up to the man. “How you doing?”</p><p>Reed sighed and looked over in Kamski's direction. When his eyes fell on Nathan he visibly stiffened.</p><p>Reed was very different than the pictures Nathan had pulled, the wheelchair being beside the point. He looked… thinner, gaunt. The pictures Nathan had seen were a fit, tall, life-filled human who seemed ready to take on any challenge.</p><p>The person in front of him just seemed… tired.</p><p>“…The fuck are you doing here?” Reed demanded, glaring now at Nathan. Nathan noted that one of Reed’s hands went down to where he might carry a sidearm, but there was nothing in that spot on his worn dark pants. “Come to finish the goddamn job?”</p><p>Nathan blinked. “…Excuse me?”</p><p>Reed’s eyes narrowed.</p><p>“I apologize,” Nathan said, not knowing what to do. “Detective Reed, I’m Officer Nathan Anderson. I’ve taken up many of your former cases, and I was wondering if you—”</p><p>“You’re not Connor?” Reed asked.</p><p>“I am not. Connor is my brother.”</p><p>Reed stared at him, then snorted and glared at Kamski. “The fuck did you set this up for, Elijah?”</p><p>Kamski put his hands up. “I didn’t set anything up. Officer Anderson requested the meeting.”</p><p>“And you couldn’t have fucking warned me?”</p><p>“You would have said no again.”</p><p>“Fuck you, you stupid asshole.” Gavin looked back out the window, bristling.</p><p>Nathan looked at Kamski, who was still watching Reed. Nathan frowned and looked back at Reed. “As I was saying, Detective Reed, I was wondering if you would help me. I’m trying to clear up some of your former cases, and I need your insight to finish them.”</p><p>Reed didn’t respond. Didn’t even look at him.</p><p>“…Detective Reed?” Nathan asked. He noticed that Reed flinched, but the man didn’t otherwise respond. “I brought a tablet and I thought we could at least go through the witnesses and do reviews. Their interviews are recorded, of course, in some cases, but not all, and there were some limitations to what I could—” He went on for a while.</p><p>Reed never looked at him.</p><p>Kamski finally turned to him, pity in his eyes. “I think we should leave.”</p><p>“Why are you unwilling to do this small thing?” Nathan asked, looking at Reed. “You’re clearly able, and this could help put some awful people away. If you don’t do this, these cases might just go into a file and never get looked at again. All your work, gone. Is that what you want?”</p><p>“Fuck you,” Reed said, staring out the window. “You’re so much better, you can do it yourself.”</p><p>“But I <em>can’t</em>,” Nathan replied. That was the problem. He was meant to be <em>better</em>, but he simply wasn’t. He could have an entire forensics lab whenever he needed it – well, the parts that processed basic data anyway – and a history of opinions and cases in his head, any number of helpful hints, but so much of the intricacies of human behavior were lost on him. Cases didn’t simply solve themselves if he worked hard. Even Connor, the flagship for them both, struggled on his own. They both had the technical skill but lacked the human insight to complete their jobs. It made them experienced rookies at best. “Trust me, I have tried. I need your help with this.”</p><p>Reed turned to him, still glaring. “Say that again.”</p><p>“…I need your help with this?” Nathan asked, confused.</p><p>Reed snorted and shook his head. “Fucking hell. Worthless piece of shit.” He turned away again.</p><p>It hit something in Nathan, those words from someone who had the power to help him and did nothing about it, just mocked him for his uselessness, and he bit back, “At least I’m doing my job, unlike someone who ran away when things got <em>hard</em>.” Nathan nodded to Kamski and walked out of the room, heading for the front door.</p><p>He knew it was a mistake. It was stupid. Overly emotional. Connor and Hank had encouraged him to lean into his emotions, like he could somehow <em>avoid</em> it. Nathan always felt like it would be better to lean <em>away</em>. It was times like now when he felt like he was drowning in it.</p><hr/><p>Nathan stood in the entryway, realizing he should probably go back and apologize. He needed Reed’s help. Connor and Hank had warned him that Reed didn’t like androids, which was odd, given Chloe lived in the house with him. Maybe she just avoided him.</p><p>“Wait, please!”</p><p>Nathan turned to see Kamski run into the room.</p><p>“Please don’t go yet!”</p><p>“I… was merely considering how to apologize for my behavior. It was highly rude and inappropriate.”</p><p>Kamski blinked, then huffed a laugh. “You’re fine, Officer Anderson. It’s… Gavin’s abrasive at the best of times, and worse now, then… Well. You’re fine. And I think it helped, honestly. Well… I mean yeah, don’t go yelling at any disabled people in the future, maybe, at least like that, but he… He would have come after you if he hadn’t gotten annoyed at his chair. Which at least is more than he’s put into anything in months, really.”</p><p>“…I’m confused.”</p><p>“You had a longer conversation with him than he’s had with pretty much anyone since he left the DPD. That’s… That’s a big deal. Particularly given… Well. It’s good, I think.”</p><p>“I only need his help with some assignments. I fail to understand why that is so difficult.”</p><p>Kamski’s expression clouded over. “He’s got… a lot of baggage when it comes to the DPD. Reasonably. He didn’t want to leave. And he’s very… self-sufficient. He’s been that way since we were kids. It would be hard if anyone came to him asking to finish work he can’t do, or at least feels like he can’t do himself. It’s particularly hard given you’re an android, and, well… You’re based on Connor’s model design.”</p><p>This again. This wall of whatever Connor and Hank refused to tell him. Something had happened between Connor and Reed. “I understand that Connor and Detective Reed did not have a good relationship, but I don’t know anything about it other than that.”</p><p>“…Ah. Well… You should probably talk to Gavin and Connor about that. Everything I know, I know secondhand, and it’s not much.”</p><p>“…So I should go back to talk to him?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Nathan frowned. “Are you sure I wouldn’t simply distress him more?” The fear in Reed’s eyes hadn’t been fully masked by the anger, and it had been there the whole time Nathan was in the room.</p><p>“Maybe. Maybe you’d kick him into gear. Give him a project to focus his energy on. It’s more than he’s had in a long time.”</p><p>Nathan considered this as he glanced at a nearby photo on the wall of people he didn’t recognize, then he looked back at Kamski. “What happened to him? There’s no records of an injury, or even his being let go.”</p><p>Kamski grimaced. “Look, you should really talk to Gavin or Connor but… from what I understand, Gavin confronted Connor in the DPD evidence room, Connor defended himself, and… Gavin was very badly injured. Barely survived.” Kamski scratched his neck.</p><p>“Connor… never told me that.” Connor had shared many memories with him. Not all of them. Nathan had only considered it a privacy thing before. But given Connor's earlier reaction to Nathan's current actions...</p><p>“Maybe you should talk to him about it, then.”</p><p>“…I will.”</p><p>“After that, Gavin couldn’t work the same way he had, and… He needed time for recovery and adjustment, obviously, so I had him stay with me.” He shrugged. “It’s been… Well. So are you staying or…?”</p><p>“…I will stay.”</p><hr/><p>Gavin didn’t want to think about anything today. He never stopped, because of course he never did, but he really, really didn’t want to think about anything. He assumed it would be another day where he just sat in his room, staring outside, wishing he could go for a run or swim or… Or.</p><p>There were plenty of things he could do outdoors. Elijah and the doctors and the therapists had explained over and over, “You can have a full, happy life, Gavin. You can go outside and have fun, or go to parties, or just travel. You can work. You can date. You can get married. You can have kids. You can sometimes not think of yourself as a worthless piece of shit”, but really, he’d already tuned them out by that point.</p><p>What he hadn’t expected was to turn around and see fucking <em>Connor</em> following Elijah into Gavin’s fucking bedroom.</p><p>What Gavin hadn’t expected was the fear. How his body locked up and his throat dried and his hands started to shake. He’d been in a lot of fights over the years. Been injured a lot of very bad ways. Met some of the worst of humanity. He shook it off, left it to nightmares and therapy sessions he never went to and went on with his life.</p><p>Apparently Connor, even when he wasn’t laying Gavin out flat on the DPD floor, wasn’t going to let him do that.</p><p>So he hid it, like he always did. Behind anger. It usually worked.</p><p>Only this wasn’t Connor. It was Connor’s… twin? Gavin tried not to think how the idea of there being <em>more</em> than one Connor was terrifying. And this one… When Gavin looked at him a bit more, he was taller, more sturdily built. What if he was there to finish the job? Or make things <em>worse</em>, somehow?</p><p>His hands tightened. Gavin knew he was a monster. That his disdain for Cyberlife property had turned into a hatred more toxic than Cyberlife’s work. He’d been cruel to Connor. Harassment was the easy term. He couldn’t bear to look Chloe in the eyes, knowing how he’d been. Still was, probably. In his shortsighted idealism and hatred towards one evil, he’d fostered evil of his own. And he’d <em>liked</em> it, like a sadistic fuck.</p><p>Some days he even justified it to himself. Why did it matter that he was an asshole to Connor? Connor had paid him back. More than.</p><p>But maybe if Gavin hadn’t been as awful, maybe…</p><p>What was the point of <em>what ifs</em>? It didn’t change anything.</p><p><em>At least I’m doing my job, unlike someone who ran away when things got hard</em> <em>!</em></p><p>Gavin wanted to smash the asshole’s face in for that. Fucking… jackass didn’t know what he was talking about. If an android’s spine was broken, they could just order a new one. If Gavin had gone back to work, he’d have been a desk jockey. He’d have to watch able-bodied officers run off to the field to work. He’d…</p><p>Gavin swallowed and reminded himself not to punch the window. Yeah. He’d run away. It was shame. People were hurt, and Gavin had turned his back on them because oh no, now he was stuck in a chair. Poor him. Fucking coward. Plenty of people were born and stuck in these fucking chairs and they got through their days, happily to boot! He'd been to a session where fellow new wheelchair users were racing each other or getting excited about a new paint job or just generally enjoying life.</p><p>And they all did that in less nice ones that he was able to get, with Elijah's help. At least he could use his upper body, and had full use of his arms and hands. At least he had his eyes, working hearing, and a sense of smell. At least he was <em>alive</em>.</p><p>And fuck he was lucky, too. He’d been pissed off due to his pride when he was cognizant enough to realize Elijah was covering everything.</p><p>Until he’d realized just how much <em>everything</em> was. If he’d been on his own, he wouldn’t have had a choice to not work. The medical bills would have buried him, meager savings be damned. With Elijah all he had to worry about was getting through the day. Pushing through the exercises to maintain circulation and not balloon out. Eat… something. Consider going back to work.  Consider calling Tina to try and apologize. Consider calling Chris to not be a total flake. Consider group therapy again.</p><p>He was lucky. So he had no excuses. None.</p><p>So instead he sat and stared out the window and weighed the pros and cons of just taking a fucking nap.</p><p>“Detective Reed?”</p><p>Gavin blinked and looked back to see the—not-Connor… He’d said his name was… Anderson?</p><p>“The fuck are you still doing here?” Gavin demanded.</p><p>Anderson looked back at him with an unimpressed expression and said, “I need your help.”</p><p>“Well bully for you.”</p><p>Anderson’s lips quirked ever so slightly before he said, “I apologize for my earlier outburst. But I would greatly appreciate your help.”</p><p>Gavin frowned at the man. He didn’t seem interested in budging. Elijah could probably kick him out, but…</p><p><em>At least I’m doing my job, unlike someone who ran away when things got hard</em>.</p><p>He grimaced. “Fine. But I don’t have all my notes and shit. I don’t know how valuable anything I remember will <em>be</em>.”</p><p>“It’s perfectly fine. I downloaded your notes and have them with me.” Anderson walked over to the table and held a tablet, which Gavin eventually reached out to take.</p><p>Gavin scrolled through the files. He shortly realized the dumbass was just going to <em>stand</em> there the whole damn while.</p><p>“Could you fucking… move? It’s distracting as shit having you <em>loom</em> over me.”</p><p>“Ah.” Anderson looked around, then settled down in a nearby chair. He still stared at Gavin.</p><p>“So what do you fucking need?” Gavin asked.</p><p>The afternoon passed quickly and also too slowly. Anderson would reference a case, Gavin would read through his notes, clarify, write off loose ends, “That guy wasn’t high enough up in the organization. Waste of time,” and sometimes admit there was no more because he hadn’t <em>found</em> more. Anderson was seemingly tuned into the tablet, so when Gavin jotted down notes, Anderson would know where to go next.</p><p>It was… It was nice, being back amidst something that felt normal. Not normal to talk to a Connor clone about his work, in a fucking mansion in some random place he’d never been to before, sitting in a fucking wheelchair, but… His work. <em>That</em> was still there.</p><p>Chloe eventually showed up with a late lunch/early dinner, as Gavin hadn’t really been eating them. Usually she or Elijah left them on the counter and he ignored them, or grabbed one thing from them and then forgot about it.</p><p>She set the tray down on a nearby table and Gavin mumbled, “Thanks, Chloe.”</p><p>He didn’t see her expression, because he was looking at the tablet, but she replied, “You’re welcome, Gavin.” The door closed behind her.</p><p>Gavin reached out and took the drink, for once, needing it with his dry throat. He’d been talking a lot.</p><p>“Does Chloe make you uncomfortable?” Anderson asked.</p><p>Gavin blinked. “What the fuck?”</p><p>“You were clearly very uncomfortable just now.”</p><p>“I don’t see how that’s any of your goddamn business.”</p><p>“My apologies.”</p><p>Gavin snorted and flicked through the next case.</p><p>Too soon it seemed – and when was Gavin annoyed this mess was over too quickly? – they were done with what Anderson needed. Anderson took the tablet and said, “Thank you. I’ll review these this evening and let you know if I need to return.”</p><p>“Sure. Whatever.”</p><p>Anderson paused before turning away. “My name is Nathan, by the way. If you think of something you think I’ve forgotten, Detective Reed, please give me a call.”</p><p>Gavin ‘tsked’ and looked away.</p><p>Nathan started to walk off before Gavin said, “…Gavin. You should call me Gavin. I’m not a fucking <em>detective</em> anymore.”</p><p>Nathan looked back at him.</p><p>Gavin was staring at the floor.</p><p>“It was my understanding you still have your title and position.”</p><p>Gavin looked up and glared at him. “Still got a desk?”</p><p>Nathan frowned, then shook his head.</p><p>“Yeah. So it’s Gavin. Not <em>Detective</em> anything.”</p><p>“Of course… Gavin. Good afternoon.” And then he left.</p><p>Gavin stared at the closed door and then looked back out the window.</p><hr/><p>Kamski stopped Nathan on his way out. He was… smiling, and it seemed genuine in a way.</p><p>“You were both in there for a while. How’d it go?”</p><p>“I believe I got all I needed, and Gavin was very accommodating.”</p><p>Kamski raised an eyebrow. “So you’re on a first name basis now?”</p><p> “Gavin insisted.”</p><p>“Ah.” Kamski smiled. “Well if you ever need to come back, then… let me know. I’ll handle it.”</p><p>“…Thank you, Mr. Kamski.”</p><p>“Elijah, please. And uh… Do you know Officer Tina Chen?”</p><p>“Yes…?”</p><p>“Would you let her know I’m still happy to fly her up here any time she wants?”</p><p>Nathan frowned. “I have no interest in your romantic—”</p><p>“It’s not—It’s not <em>that</em>. It’s for Gavin. She’s really his only friend and she’s not… talking to him, and it’s… It’s been worse. It’s the only reason I’d consider moving back to Detroit.”</p><p>“If you’re worried about his distance, why move in the first place?”</p><p>“This place was supposed to be better. Less snow. Less dreary. Sunshine and all that. And distance from… Connor, to ease his state of mind. His doctors recommended it.”</p><p>Nathan had already worked several cases, and found it odd that Connor was someone people would move to avoid. Or at least a human. Plenty of androids held him in suspicion still, much as he’d worked to improve things for androids.  Nathan wanted answers. Connor had been remorseful for his actions prior to his true deviation. He’d hurt a lot of androids in a lot of ways, and he regretted it. Deeply. He often confided in Nathan when things got bad. But he’d never once mentioned Gavin, or any story like his.</p><p>“I see. I will let Tina know.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Chloe stepped forward. Nathan hadn’t been paying attention to her, but there she was. She offered her hand to Nathan. “I can give you Elijah’s information. The DPD has his more public use number. This will get you to Elijah when you need it.”</p><p>“What about Gavin’s number?” Nathan asked.</p><p>Chloe winced ever so slightly. “Gavin… doesn’t use his cellphone much these days. But I’ll make sure he has your number.”</p><p>Nathan clasped her hand as they interfaced.</p><p><em>Thank you</em>, she said through the link. <em>Elijah seeing Gavin... a bit more </em>alive<em> has done a lot.</em></p><p>
  <em>Doesn’t it bother you to live with someone who dislikes androids?</em>
</p><p><em>Gavin… is very respectful. He avoids me, but just as much as he avoids everyone, human or android. Even when he is upset, he is quick to apologize, and he’s only upset around me during PT, which I believe is understandable</em>.</p><p>Nathan considered this, nodded, and broke the connection.</p><hr/><p>When he reached the hotel he wondered if he should… pretend he hadn’t gotten all his files complete so he could go back to Elijah’s tomorrow, then chided himself. He and Gavin weren’t <em>friends</em>. What would they even talk about without work as the topic of choice? Gavin had refused to discuss anything else, and his stress levels, even when he was acquiescing to Nathan’s request, were far too high for good health. Clearly Nathan’s presence upset him, and he shouldn’t want to inflict that even more on the man.</p><p>He couldn’t help thinking of Gavin sitting alone in his room, staring out a window with a look of half-longing, half despair. The way his eyes had lit up a little during certain case reviews. The way the corners of his mouth quirked up in a slight smile when he was remembering certain things, before he seemed to remember himself and forced the look away, glaring at the tablet. It was… truly sad, in a way Nathan hadn’t dealt with before. Nathan often wondered if he was empathetic enough sometimes, and well… he hoped this was proof he had at least some.</p><p>But Nathan wanted to know more of the story. There was a reason Connor had done something so drastic, and it felt wrong to… try to cheer up a man Connor had such a toxic relationship with.</p><p>He rescheduled his flight. He wouldn’t need to stay the night.</p><hr/><p>Connor was there when Nathan’s plane arrived, and Connor rushed forward and hugged him, then pulled back to look him over. “Is everything all right? You’re okay? Hank’s working late tonight, or else he’d be here.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I’m fine.”</p><p>Connor quirked his head. “You seem a bit off. What’s wrong? Did… Did Gavin say something? Did he do something?” There was a slight narrowing of Connor’s eyes.</p><p>“I’d rather not talk about it here,” Nathan said, heading for the exit.</p><p>Connor didn’t say anything until they got into the car heading home. He put the car on auto and turned to Nathan. “So what happened?”</p><p>Nathan extended his hand.</p><p>“…Nathan?”</p><p>“I want to know what happened in the evidence room.”</p><p> Connor’s expression became closed off. “We… We fought. That’s all.”</p><p>“You paralyzed the man. Why did you never bring that up? You’ve talked to me about executing deviants. Torturing them for information, but never this…”</p><p>Connor opened and then closed his mouth before he looked away.</p><p>“Show me,” Nathan demanded.</p><p>“You don’t know what he was like,” Connor replied. “He was… awful. Living with that, when I was afraid of being deactivated by Amanda, when the world seemed to be falling apart, and no one stood up for me, not even Hank, and…”</p><p>“I don’t know what he’s like because you’ve never talked about him. So <em>show</em> me.”</p><p>“You’re asking me to dig up things I try not to think about, Nathan.”</p><p>“You want me to think badly of a complete stranger in a wheelchair.”</p><p>“What, are you best friends now?” Connor's tone was snide.</p><p>“I want to <em>understand</em>, Connor. Please.” Nathan loved his brother. Understanding people was the way he usually showed he cared, and he wanted to know as much as he could so he could help when they hurt, or brighten their day, or whatever was needed.</p><p>“Isn’t it enough to tell you he… hurt me? Tried to kill me?” Connor’s voice was small, scared.</p><p>Nathan was quiet for a while. “I don’t know.”</p><p>Connor snorted, then clasped Nathan’s hand.</p><p>Nathan saw dozens of instances of Gavin’s harassment fly by. Insults, cut downs. DPD officers standing by and doing nothing. All while Connor tried to do his best, tried to be good at what he did, worried at any moment he’d be destroyed, afraid he was failing.</p><p>Then the evidence room. Time was of the essence. Connor was running out of it, to complete this task and to complete his mission. To <em>survive </em>against Amanda’s impossible clock of expectations, and he was already deviating, Nathan could feel it. And there was Gavin, getting in his way. Gavin, who pulled a gun on him like it was nothing, mimed shooting Connor, like it was <em>amusing</em>. The creepy stalking. The snide looks. It was disgusting on a level that made Nathan’s skin crawl.</p><p>Connor tried to talk Gavin down. He knew it likely wouldn’t work. Gavin was too invested in destroying him.</p><p>And it didn’t work. So Connor fought.</p><p>What startled Nathan was when he saw <em>how</em> Connor chose to fight. Connor analyzed his options, from least injurious to death, and he chose the kill version, with barely any hesitation.</p><p>Because there was anger, too, beneath the fear. Connor was doing this <em>for the humans</em>, and it was like they didn’t even <em>care</em>.</p><p>It was luck and the randomness of probability that Gavin survived the encounter. Barely.</p><p>As Connor looked down at Gavin, lying on the floor, he noted Gavin’s struggling breathing, his broken collarbone, his various other injuries, the need to call emergency services, the clock on Gavin’s survival ticking rapidly by… and Connor straightened his tie and left. He had a job to do.</p><p>Nathan pulled away. Part of it he could reason was Amanda putting the mission above everything else. At a certain point, perhaps that even overrode Connor’s inability to harm humans. One human was only one human, after all, and the mission objective was so close.</p><p>But part of it wasn’t that. He could tell that, were Connor given the choice now… He still would.</p><p>“Satisfied?” Connor demanded, his gaze sharp.</p><p>“Connor…”</p><p>Connor crossed his arms and turned away. “He’s a monster. I don’t care how much you like him.”</p><p>“I barely know him.”</p><p>“You should keep it that way.”</p><p>“Thank you. For sharing this with me.”</p><p>“I feel awful now, you know. It’s not a good idea to just walk up to people and ask them to share their trauma with you, like they owe it to you. I know you’re young, but you should know that.”</p><p>“I… I know.” Nathan turned away. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Connor sighed. “Whatever, Nathan. It’s… You know, now.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“…You still like him.”</p><p>“I don’t <em>know</em> him.”</p><p>“I saw the way you looked at him."</p><p>Nathan knew the interface had gone both ways. He hadn't meant to push his memories on Connor, but he hadn't shied away from letting Connor see them.</p><p>"He’s very pitiable when he doesn’t have a gun to pull on anyone, isn’t he? <em>Poor thing</em>.” There was venom in his tone.</p><p>“Connor, please just stop. This is beneath you.”</p><p>Connor laughed. “I think we both know very <em>little</em> is beneath me.”</p><p>Nathan looked at him. The way he was twisted up, pretending to be fine with it, but also still angry. “Are you happy then? To see him like that?”</p><p>“…I don’t know what I am. I thought I’d put it all behind me when I didn’t come back to the DPD. Even seeing Hank dealing with it wasn’t so terrible.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I brought it back for you.”</p><p>Connor shrugged. “We’re supposed to be confronting our emotions, right? It’s what humans do. It’s how… how we become… more.”</p><p>“I almost always see humans avoid their emotions when they can, if only for their own sanity.”</p><p>Connor snorted.</p><p>Nathan didn’t add that he was pretty sure that was what Gavin was doing. But he wasn’t sure he was going to see Gavin again at this point. They finished the rest of the trip home in silence.</p><hr/><p>When Nathan was putting his things back in his room, Connor walked to the doorway and said, “...I’m sorry I didn’t… tell you. I should have.”</p><p>“You don’t owe me your past,” Nathan replied. “And you were right. It’s your experience. Your trauma. I shouldn’t expect you to just bare it to me out of obligation.”</p><p>“…It wasn’t the reason I left. Well… not the <em>sole</em> reason.”</p><p>Nathan looked at him.</p><p>“Yeah, it… I wanted to get away from it. After that I never wanted to step foot in that place again. Every room would be a memory. But… I also didn’t trust the people there. Not to have my back, which is what you need as a police officer.”</p><p>“You trust Hank.”</p><p>“Hank and I worked together and became close. He’s different.” Connor sighed. “And I didn’t even want to <em>be</em> a police officer. It was something someone else picked for me, and I found it stifling. I wanted… I wanted to help people. And… now I can. By helping Jericho.”</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>“You still think I was wrong. To do what I did.”</p><p>“You were afraid and defending yourself.” It wasn’t quite the truth but it wasn’t quite a lie, and they both knew it.</p><p> “No. I wasn’t afraid. Not in that moment.” Connor’s gaze was steely.</p><p>“I can’t give you absolution, Connor, if that’s what you want.”</p><p>Connor’s lips pinched. “I don’t want… I just… I want <em>us</em> to be okay.”</p><p>“We are okay, Connor.”</p><p>“I should have… I should be a better example, for you.”</p><p>“You don’t have to be. I’m making my own way. Just like you make yours.”</p><p>Connor shook his head. “You’re a lot smarter than me, Nathan.”</p><p>Nathan grinned. “Well, I <em>was</em> built that way.”</p><hr/><p>Nathan pulled Tina aside when she came into work the next day. “Elijah Kamski says you’re still welcome to come visit.”</p><p>Tina narrowed her eyes. “…You went to see Elijah? Why?”</p><p>“I went to see <em>Gavin</em>.”</p><p>Tina’s expression darkened. “…Why?”</p><p>“I needed his help with some cases.”</p><p>“…Huh. How was…? No.” She shook her head. “Elijah told you to tell me?”</p><p>“Yes. I think he’s worried about Gavin.”</p><p>“Well, me too, but he’s… burying himself, and I’m moving on.”</p><p>“Did you two fight?”</p><p>She snorted. “Yeah. Excuse me for caring about his well-being.”</p><p>“I meant no dis—”</p><p>“Not you, Nate. Gavin apparently doesn’t like people who care about him. Which I sort of knew already.” She shook her head. “Just… He’s a lot worse than he was, and maybe my tolerance is limited.”</p><p>Nathan tilted his head as he considered this.</p><p>Tina sighed. “I should be better at this, you know? Guy’s in a fucking wheelchair now, you’d think I’d just… suck it up and shit. Anyone’s gonna be pissed off at the world when they suddenly can’t walk and nearly fucking died, but like…” She shook her head. “I tried, fuck I tried. I stayed at the hospital until he yelled at me to get sleep and go to work, and stayed even then, went with him to some PT until Elijah started having them at his place to ease the tension so Gavin wouldn’t argue himself out of it before we got there. Visited a few times at their new place, but every time he’s just angrier and angrier and he ignores the therapists and I just…” She sighed. “I should be <em>fucking better.</em>”</p><p>“You’re not supposed to be his punching bag,” Nathan said.</p><p>She smiled slightly. “Yeah. I know. That’s why I… Well. He hasn’t said anything to me since our last fight, anyway. So either he’s not planning to apologize or he forgot, and I don’t think I can handle either of those anymore.”</p><p>“I wish things were better.”</p><p>“Ain’t that the fucking truth?”</p><hr/><p>A week passed and Nathan hadn’t stopped thinking about Gavin sitting despondently in his chair. Nathan had friends, he had a social life, he went out with fellow officers and their SOs in their off-hours, he returned to Jericho to spend time with his friends there, he was active on several different social media platforms, he spent time with Connor and Hank and Sumo…</p><p>But Gavin just kept popping in. They weren’t friends. It didn’t make sense that Nathan would think of him.</p><p>But it seemed inevitable that he pull up Elijah’s number and call and ask if he could come over.</p><p>“Of course,” Elijah said. “We’d be happy to have you over!”</p><p>So Nathan got on a plane and headed over again.</p><p>There was a long time between his pressing the doorbell and Chloe appearing. She put on a smile to see him, but he could tell she was stressed.</p><p>“Nathan! Sorry, we should have called you. Elijah was just so excited about… He forgot, and I, well…” She ushered him inside.</p><p>Nathan had learned that Chloe had connected with North at some point, and the two had a fast friendship. North invited Nathan into their friend group, and Nathan had been getting to know Chloe better in the time since he’d visited.</p><p>“What happened?” Nathan asked.</p><p>She sighed. “Elijah’s been working on mechanical spines and prostheses that could help Gavin regain some of his mobility. And he’s been reaching out to his robotics friends. One of his peers contacted us and said he had a working version of something we could try. So we went, and it… went badly. Gavin was in a lot of pain – thankfully nothing permanent – and he was very angry, and that stressed Elijah and I out, and well…” She shook her head. “It’s been a <em>day</em>.” She looked at him sadly. “I’d understand if you simply wanted to go home. I’m sorry it was a wasted trip.”</p><p>“I can still visit Gavin, if he’s up for company,” Nathan replied.</p><p>She smiled, but it was still sad. “He’s never up for company, honestly. And now… Well…”</p><p>“I’ll visit anyway. Maybe it’ll take his mind off things. Unless he’s resting?”</p><p>“I don’t think he’s sleeping. Elijah was talking to him, trying to get him to take some sleeping pills or something, but Gavin’s refused.”</p><p>Nathan frowned and walked towards Gavin’s room.</p><p> Elijah was walking towards him and glaring, but he paused and blinked at Nathan.</p><p>“Oh, Nathan. I… I totally forgot you were coming.”</p><p>“It’s… fine. I understand Gavin is doing… poorly?”</p><p>Elijah snorted, then rubbed his neck. “Yeah, the test today went really badly. He won’t take the painkillers, either, for some stupid reason.”</p><p>“Did he say why?”</p><p>“He won’t talk to me.” Elijah sighed.</p><p>Nathan looked down the hall. Considered his options. “I can try.”</p><p>“What? No.”</p><p>“I’ve had experience with a friend who was struggling with their health. I believe I can manage.”</p><p>“…Okay, but really, you don’t have to. He’s not… He’s…” Elijah frowned.</p><p>“He gave me information when I needed it. I can at least try to help when I can.”</p><p>“…All right. I left the stuff on the counter. Assuming he didn’t knock it over, it’s still there. Just uh… call? If you have problems?”</p><p>“I will.” Nathan walked past Elijah, focusing on Gavin’s door.</p><hr/><p>“Go away, Eli,” Gavin muttered when he heard the door reopen.</p><p>“I’m not Elijah,” Nathan replied.</p><p>Gavin froze. Or he would have, if he didn’t feel like he was shaking apart. Everything just fucking hurt. It was better now that he was lying down, but fuck. His back just…</p><p>“You should take your painkillers.”</p><p>“…Fuck you. Why are you even <em>here</em>?”</p><p>“I wanted to visit.”</p><p>“Why, because I’m some zoo animal now?”</p><p>“I just… wanted to be friendly. You did me a favor and I wanted to repay it.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “It wasn’t…” He grunted and wanted to squeeze himself into a ball, but he couldn’t do that, could he? Fucking pathetic, that’s what he was. Fucking—</p><p>He didn’t realize he was crying until he just was. It was all so fucking stupid.</p><p>“Gavin, your heart rate is too high. Please talk to me.”</p><p>“About fucking what!?”</p><p>“Anything. What do you need right now?”</p><p>“I just need… the world to stop for five fucking seconds, that’s all!”</p><p>“…Okay. Are you in a lot of pain?”</p><p>“What the fuck do you think!?”</p><p>“Why don’t you take some painkillers? That might help. You should be able to focus a bit better.”</p><p>Gavin swallowed. He’d yelled at Elijah to fuck off. Stop bothering him with all his shit fix-Gavin’s-fucking-issues crap. Eat this. Drink that. Oh, sorry, you’re dizzy now. Oh, sorry, you piss purple for a week. Blah blah blah leave me alone!</p><p>…But a painkiller would be really fucking nice at this point. At least if someone else wasn't shoving it down his throat, he could hope it magically wouldn't so something weird to him.</p><p>“…Fucking fine.” He started to push himself up, then felt a hand on his arm.</p><p>He flinched away. “Don’t fucking touch me!”</p><p>The hand moved away quickly and Gavin stayed where he was, frozen in place and shaking.</p><p>“…Just trying to help, Gavin. I’m sorry. I should have asked.”</p><p>Gavin reminded himself to fucking <em>cool off</em>. This dude wasn’t Connor. He wasn’t… He wasn’t back in the evidence room. He was in Eli’s house. Nathan was there to be a friend. For whatever reason.</p><p>After a while, Gavin finished pushing himself up into a sitting position and looked over towards Nathan.</p><p>Nathan stood there, holding a glass of something and a small plate with a pill on it.</p><p>Gavin was breathing hard, but took the pill from the plate and swallowed it before taking the cup – and avoiding Nathan’s fingers – and swallowing the water in it down.</p><p>Nathan held his hand out and Gavin stopped himself from flinching away as he handed the cup back. Nathan set it on the counter.</p><p>Afternoon sunlight streamed in through the window. Gavin knew he looked a mess, as per usual. But then again, he’d yelled and Nathan was still fucking <em>there</em> for some damn reason. Probably his face ranked low on the scale of things to creep Nathan out.</p><p>And now for the fucking shame. When he didn’t have something to focus on instead so he could forget he blew up.</p><p>People don’t care anyway, why did it matter?</p><p>But he was going to be <em>better</em>. He had to get better because he was going to apologize to Tina and he needed fucking practice because if he didn’t apologize to Tina in a way that made her come back, he’d up even more fucking alone, which was how he was going to be forever, and what he <em>deserved</em>, and—!</p><p>“Gavin…?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Gavin said, ever so quietly. “For yelling.”</p><p>“…It’s okay. Do you want to lie back down?”</p><p>“…Yeah.”</p><p>“Do you want help?”</p><p>“…No.” Gavin moved himself ever so painstakingly slowly back down so he was lying down again on the bed. He still hurt, but he liked to think the painkiller was super fast and the pain was already fading. Positive thinking and all that, right?</p><p>When he was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, he realized Nathan wasn’t leaving.</p><p>“…You don’t have to stay,” Gavin said.</p><p>“I’d like to. To make sure you’re all right. And… to keep you company, if you’d like.”</p><p>“I don’t need your fucking <em>pity</em>,” Gavin said. Worthless fucking garbage emotion.</p><p>“It’s not pity,” Nathan replied. “I have a friend who has also struggled with his health, and at times when he was working on recovery, we found that keeping him company led to a better mental health state and increased his recovery speed. Unless you truly don’t want me here, and then I’ll leave.”</p><p>Gavin sighed and shut his eyes. “Whatever. Creepily watch me sleep, fucking stalker.” He lay there for a bit, hoping he could fall asleep, but even the pain relief wasn’t quite enough. That was one of the worst things about... his injury. He couldn’t even fucking sleep easily.</p><p>“I made some good headway on those cases,” Nathan said. “Your information was very helpful.”</p><p>“No, please, <em>don’t</em> stop there. Tell me more about how outdated I am and how now you’re doing my fucking job.”</p><p>“…I apologize.”</p><p>Gavin opened his eyes and glared at the ceiling. “Fucking… Sorry, whatever, fuck… Talk about whatever the hell you want. I’m just gonna be a dick no matter what.”</p><p>Nathan didn’t say anything for a while.</p><p>Gavin shut his eyes.</p><p>“I’ve been reading a lot of fiction lately. Connor and Hank suggested it. Takes my mind off work. Finding other hobbies has been… a struggle, I must admit.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Gavin said, quietly. “The fuck are you reading?”</p><p>Nathan started talking about his current read, and then his last one, and then the one before. Gavin realized his found the android’s voice oddly soothing, and before long, he was gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Wiggle Room</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the lovely feedback!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nathan leaned back in his chair and pulled up his current three books when Gavin fell asleep. He wasn’t quite sure what his plans were, but it was quiet, and Gavin wasn’t in pain, seemingly, and he could do whatever he wanted with the time.</p><p>The quiet scratched at him. He could easily hear Gavin's breathing, the occasional noise of nightlife from outside. But it was just... far too quiet.</p><p>Nathan asked himself why he was here. He could be doing <em>anything</em> else with his spare time, but he was here. With a human who was still something of a stranger, who clearly barely tolerated Nathan’s presence.</p><p>So Nathan messaged Connor.</p><p>&lt;What initially attracted you to Hank?&gt;</p><p>&lt;We knew each other pretty well and—&gt;</p><p>&lt;No, at the start of your relationship.&gt;</p><p>Connor was quiet for a while. Eventually he replied, &lt;Sheer proximity. He was <em>there</em>. I was assigned to him. Forced association made us get to know each other. And Cyberlife wanted me to know more so that I could better use him for Cyberlife’s ends. Things were... difficult, as you know.&gt;</p><p>Connor hadn't liked talking about Hank pulling a gun on him. The physical assault. The insults. But Nathan had asked. He had many of Connor's memories and needed answers.</p><p>&lt;But... persistence and working together got me through his... edges, to meet the decent man underneath. And the decent man is why I stayed.&gt;</p><p>&lt;Did you ever think of being with someone else?&gt;</p><p>&lt;I did. It never worked out. You weren’t awake yet, Jericho was young... well, <em>younger</em>. Hank wanted me to go out and ‘see’ the world. Meet more people. Or something. And I was… <em>annoyed</em> at him trying to decide what my preferences were.&gt;</p><p>Nathan could feel Connor’s anger through their communication. They hadn’t spoken much since Connor talked about the evidence room. It felt like they were tiptoeing around each other. Nathan, worried about what Connor would say about Gavin, and Connor, worried he was failing Nathan somehow by not being honest enough or something. And Nathan hated it. He liked talking to Connor, and wanted that former ease between them back.</p><p>&lt;So I did. And I always felt… half full. Like I was missing <em>something</em> and nothing I found was filling that emptiness. I met some wonderful people. But… we didn’t work. So I came back to Hank and… things felt right again.&gt;</p><p>&lt;How?&gt;</p><p>&lt;It’s not something I can really explain.&gt;</p><p>&lt;But how do I know when <em>I</em> find someone like that?&gt;</p><p>&lt;It’s a long-standing question among humans. As individuals, it’s a personal discovery. For me, that missing part of my <em>self</em> was something mental, but also somehow physical. I hope, at least, in your many relationships, you find <em>someone</em> who meets your needs. But it’s not… a bullet point list I can just give to you for you to measure people against. We all need different things.&gt;</p><p>Nathan could feel Connor’s frustration at not being able to give Nathan an answer. &lt;Thank you. For trying to explain.&gt;</p><p>&lt;Any time.&gt;</p><p>Nathan knew Connor wanted to say more. He idly straightened his posture in his chair and said, &lt;I know you want to say something about Gavin.&gt;</p><p>&lt;Whatever I want to say, I’m at least intelligent enough to understand that it would be doing to you what Hank did to me. And I won’t do that. …At least not in the same conversation where I was the one bringing it up in the first place. Unfortunately I can make no promises as to the future, although I do promise to <em>try</em>. I’m just not perfect.&gt;</p><p>&lt;But you <em>do</em> try, and that’s what matters.&gt;</p><p>Connor didn’t say anything to that.</p><p>&lt;And thank you. For not saying anything. I’m not <em>quite</em> at the point where I imagine Gavin and I will ride into the sunset together with our oversized pet, but he’s… interesting. And I want to explore that. Perhaps even as a friend.&gt;</p><p>&lt;So long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters to me.&gt;</p><p>Nathan was at least hopeful about how Connor was trying to hide his disapproval.</p><p>He went back to his books.</p><hr/><p>When Gavin woke up, he grumbled and pushed himself up. Nathan, who had been staring in the middle distance while reviewing the ebooks he’d downloaded, blinked, looked at the human, and smiled.</p><p>“Sleep well?”</p><p>“For once, I guess… Time is it?”</p><p>“9:28 PM.”</p><p>“Fuck…” Gavin grumbled and said, “I have to…” He stopped, then eventually leaned back down on the bed.</p><p>“What do you have to do?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“Fucking nothing. If Elijah needs me to test his crap, he’d wake me up or grab me or whatever. That’s all anyone needs me for these days.”</p><p>Nathan considered that. “If you’re bored, you could do consults with the DP—”</p><p>“Fuck off,” Gavin snarled, before pushing himself back up and into his chair.</p><p>Nathan wanted to help, but it was evident Gavin was quite competent at doing it all himself, and annoyed at the suggestion of help. So instead Nathan stood back and looked on.</p><p>“What happened earlier?” Nathan finally asked, when Gavin was settled and had wheeled himself to the window to look out at the dark.</p><p>“Earlier <em>when</em>?” Gavin replied, not looking at him.</p><p>“Chloe said there was some piece of equipment you were trying and it didn’t go well?”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Yeah. Some of kind of… external fake spine or whatever. Fucking couldn’t connect to me or something. Could move my knees a little, which was…” Gavin swallowed and kept his face turned away. Nathan noticed his right hand clench. “But… trying to stand was fucking dumb. My fault. I was moving too fast. Admittedly I was a bit <em>distracted</em> by the stupid itchy feeling of wearing it that they said would go away, and just got worse when I tried to move. So they took it off when I fell over after trying to stand, which I guess was lucky, because after it was off, the thing fried itself.”</p><p>“Sounds like it hurt, judging by how I found you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well…” Gavin shrugged “The fucking itchy feeling, and then removing it too fast and just moving around so much and… well.”</p><p>“Do you do this a lot? Try experimental tech to try to regain your mobility?”</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Elijah’s investing in basically any prosthetist in existence. Looks up neurologists and shit, experimental physical therapies, drug therapies… Whatever it is he can find.”</p><p>“Do you… want him to do that?” Because it kind of sounded like Gavin didn’t. Like he <em>hated</em> it.</p><p>“…I don't know. I’m tired.” Gavin ran a hand over his face. “I’m really fucking tired. Too many times, ‘oh, this could work’, ‘oh, that could work’… And it’s just <em>nothing</em>. I want… I want to walk again, but at what cost?” Gavin swallowed. “I’m hurting so much of the time, and not just because of my injury. PT, workouts, recovering from whatever new bullshit we’re trying… The stress, the exhaustion… Depression when the <em>next thing</em> doesn’t work, either…” He swallowed again. “I’m grateful, really, for what he’s doing, but I… I’m just so done with it most of the time. I want to walk, fuck, I want to so badly, but…” He swiped a hand over his eyes.</p><p>“Have you talked to him about it?”</p><p>“Not that… clearly. Mostly I just tell him to fuck off until he leaves me alone.”</p><p>“Maybe you should explain to him. It's your body. And he clearly cares deeply for you. I’m sure he would understand.”</p><p>“…I’ll think about it.”</p><p>Nathan nodded, not knowing what else to say.</p><p>They were quiet for a while, while Gavin got his breathing under control.</p><p>Eventually, Gavin asked, “You said… before, you said Connor’s your brother, right?”</p><p>“Yes, he is.”</p><p>“Are you close?”</p><p>“Yes. Connor and Hank invited me into their home after I woke up, and recommended me for my position with the DPD. Well, Connor suggested the idea, and Hank recommended me. Connor has been there to help whenever I need with my deviancy and finding a place for myself in the world.” Nathan thought about it. “He was my first real friend.”</p><p>“Oh. …Cool.”</p><p>Nathan wasn’t sure what else to say.</p><p>“…Did he tell you about…?” Gavin picked at his jeans. “About what happened? In the evidence room?”</p><p>“After I saw you last time, yes, we interfaced, and he showed me.”</p><p>Gavin’s lips thinned. “…So why’d you come back?”</p><p>Nathan had been thinking over what he’d say in this circumstance. It seemed reasonable that Gavin would get here, one way or another. Planning and practicing his response took up most of Nathan’s time on the plane ride. “Connor’s experiences with you are his own. Although we started off roughly, you have been very helpful. And I’d like to get to know you better on my own, rather than through the lens of Connor’s experiences. Neither of you are the same person as the two people in those memories.”</p><p>Even if he knew Connor would still make the same decision, given the chance. Connor had changed by removing himself from the equation. By staying away. And so many other things.</p><p>And even if he still knew relatively little about Gavin. Gavin was still hostile at turns, although he had agreed to Nathan’s request, and been relatively cordial, all things considered. He had no idea if Gavin had changed, really. Nathan hoped he had. Certainly Gavin hadn’t threatened him. Which… was a low bar, all things considered.</p><p>“Seems a lot of effort to go to for someone you’re not even friends with. I wouldn’t get on a plane for a stranger.”</p><p>“I’ve been working almost exclusively on your cases, with your notes, for some time. I don’t feel like you’re a stranger.” That was also true. Nathan felt more connected to the then-stranger in his notes even before meeting Gavin than he was with Chris, whom he talked with on a daily basis. “And perhaps… I want to be friends. If you want that.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Why would you want to be friends with me?”</p><p>“You seem smart and we share professional backgrounds. That seems to be the start of many friendships.”</p><p>Gavin sighed. “Oh yeah. Totally.”</p><p>“We don’t <em>have </em>to be friends. If you don’t want to. I was grateful you helped me last time. And I gather you’re rather lonely.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “So what, it’s charity?”</p><p>Nathan shrugged. “Perhaps I… respect the man I met in my notes. Enough to want his opinion on cases. Enough to want to know more about him. Haven’t you ever wanted to befriend someone you respect?”</p><p>Gavin brushed his nose with a knuckle. “I guess… Look, I get you didn’t have a choice, but you and Connor have the same face, and you’re close. I really don’t want to turn my back for you to stab me when I’m not looking. Call me paranoid, but it seems like a decent way for someone to get revenge for someone they care about.”</p><p>“I have no intention of harming you.”</p><p>“Oh, well, by all means, let’s plan some fucking tea parties, then.”</p><p>Nathan shook his head, smiling. “I don’t know how else to prove it to you other than sticking around.”</p><p>“Yeah, you're fucking repaying a favor. Seems a long way to go for a damn favor.”</p><p>Nathan considered for a while. “It’s… I also need to take my mind off of things. Connor, in particular.” And work, apparently, but he didn’t want to talk about that. “Things are still rough between us since we interfaced. He didn’t want to tell me. So… I guess I came here.” It was a bad white lie. He may not have been the best at relationships, but he didn’t think saying he hadn’t stopped thinking about Gavin in his spare moments would be a good idea, particularly since the man clearly struggled with being pitied.</p><p>Gavin frowned at him. “I’m not a distraction. I’m not—”</p><p>“A zoo animal, yes, I remember. Gavin, I’d like to be your friend. Would <em>you</em> like that?”</p><p>Now Gavin glared. “…Sure, why the fuck not?” It wasn’t <em>quite</em> a taunt.</p><p>“What if I could help you work out how to apologize to Tina?”</p><p>“…The fuck you know about that?”</p><p>“Elijah wanted her to know she could visit whenever she chose. I spoke with Tina about it, and she explained – in limited words – that you two had a falling out. Looking back over my records, I noticed a flagging in Tina’s emotional state. As she is my friend – albeit not that close a one – I want to help her, and I believe that restoring the bond between you two could benefit you both.”</p><p>Gavin stared at him for a while. “…You get that from a fucking sitcom?”</p><p>“Do you <em>want</em> to mend your relationship with Tina?”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Yeah, so?”</p><p>“What do you <em>need</em> in order to do that?”</p><p>“Just to get off my ass and call her, probably.”</p><p>“And what is stopping you?”</p><p>“…I’m a fucking coward, I guess, that’s all.”</p><p>“Would it help if you wrote down what you want to say? I often find planning ahead of time helps me. Studies show—”</p><p>“I’m really not into the whole ‘let’s draft Gavin’s friendship fixer’ thing. You want to be friends, that’s cool. You don’t have to… earn it by fixing my relationships.”</p><p>Nathan blinked. “…Ah. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s fine, dude. Just… chill.”</p><p>“I know I tend to try to fix problems.”</p><p>“Must make you popular at parties.”</p><p>“I don’t much like parties. I find them overly loud and obnoxious.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Ain’t that the fucking truth.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “Are you hungry? You missed dinner. I could get you something to eat.”</p><p>Gavin sighed. “You’re not a fucking maid, either.”</p><p>“No. But you missed eating, and I’d rather you didn’t get sick.”</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll go to the kitchen, and you can follow me if you fucking want. Fucking hell.”</p><p>Gavin maneuvered his chair towards the door.</p><p>Nathan stepped out of the way, but opened the door before Gavin reached it.</p><p>Gavin grimaced, but said, “Thanks,” before rolling through. The chair was largely automated, but Gavin still fussed with it a bit.</p><p>In the kitchen, Gavin moved over to the fridge and maneuvered around to check inside.</p><p>“Ah, they got some strawberries.” Gavin reached in and grabbed the large plastic container, ignoring how Nathan held the door for him. Gavin rolled away with his prize and plunked it on the nearby dining table. “Hey, would you grab me one of the smaller cutting knives from the knife block and… and there should be a… a plastic straining container somewhere, it’s dark blue, and bring me over a big regular bowl?”</p><p>Nathan acquiesced, placing the trash can and knife near Gavin before searching out the container. After he located it, he placed it nearby as well.</p><p>“Thanks,” Gavin said, shifting the items around on the table a bit before picking up strawberries and starting to cut the tops off.</p><p>Nathan noted the precise way Gavin’s fingers moved. How he plucked the leaves off, dropped them in the regular bowl, and then carefully cut out the stems, removing barely any of the strawberry most humans enjoyed. The straining bowl slowly filled with neatly cut strawberries.</p><p>Nathan would have offered to do it, but Gavin’s heartrate was calm, and he seemed relaxed with his work. Nathan had watched Hank enter the same calm when cleaning his car.</p><p>“So…” Gavin started. “Tina’s feeling down, huh?”</p><p>“It’s not affecting her work, but I have noticed she’s a bit more morose.” Nathan didn’t mention that he hadn’t really been paying attention until he’d talked with Tina about Gavin. He seldom worked with Tina, and much as he liked talking with her, he’d assumed her change in mood was the usual human tiredness from work. But once they’d talked, he often caught her looking forlornly at her phone, or gazing morosely into the distance. Her dating life was going well, her case load wasn’t too terrible… All signs pointed to one thing in particular bothering her, now that he knew about it.</p><p>“I didn’t… I didn’t want her upset. Over this.”</p><p>“How long have you been friends?”</p><p>Gavin sighed. “Fuck… We met at the academy. Used to joke she was the only good thing that came out of this fucking job.” He scowled. “But anyway… It’s been… nearly 16 years now? We both transferred around a bit. Ended up at the DPD together by accident, which was cool. She calls me out when I get too mopey after break-ups, and I egg her on when she’s too nervous to ask people out. We go… We <em>went</em> to movies together, played video games together, went fucking shopping together and shit, grabbed breaks together… Had each other’s backs during the bad times, and the good ones. It was nice.”</p><p>“You miss her.”</p><p>“Yeah, I fucking miss her. That hard to guess?” Gavin was glaring at his strawberries, but his hands stayed precise. He didn’t cut himself. He didn’t mess up his work.</p><p>“Did you… harbor romantic feelings for her?”</p><p>“Fuck dude, could you sound any creepier?” Gavin side-eyed him for a moment before looking back at the remaining strawberries.</p><p>“I just thought…”</p><p>“No. She’s not into guys.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Tina’s great, but she’s not my type, either. We’re friends, that’s all.”</p><p>Nathan was quiet for a while, before asking, “Do you know Chris Miller?”</p><p>“…Yeah. We weren’t like… <em>really</em> close, or at least not as close as—but we were friends. Probably not, now. Haven’t said anything to him in months.”</p><p>“He’s my partner. He’s very nice.”</p><p>“Glad he’s… nice. You work well together?”</p><p>“I believe so.”</p><p>“Chris is a good dude. You’ll be set with him for whatever.” Gavin talked about him some more as he finished the strawberries. When he was done, he reached for the bowl of cut bits and hesitated, then asked, “Hey uh… you don’t have to, but uh… would you… please… dump these down the disposal? And wash the strawberries off?”</p><p>“Sure.” Nathan took care of it quickly, returning the wet strawberries to Gavin before cleaning the knife, too.</p><p>Gavin was still staring at the bowl of cut strawberries when Nathan returned.</p><p>“Something wrong?”</p><p>“…No. It’s fine. Thanks for all that.” Gavin plucked up a strawberry and munched away.</p><p>“Are they good?”</p><p>When Gavin finished the first one, he replied, “I mean the first one was pretty good.”</p><p>They settled in front of the TV, with Nathan on the couch while Gavin moved his chair to a gap nearby. Gavin turned on some old movie and Nathan looked up the synopsis online. Gavin had the bowl of strawberries in his lap.</p><p>“How long you sticking around here?” Gavin asked at one point.</p><p>“I’ll head back tomorrow evening.”</p><p>“Oh. So… what, you’re sticking around another day?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Oh. Cool.”</p><p>Nathan watched the film for a bit, not knowing how else to continue the conversation. He’d talked about books, which had made Gavin fall asleep. Work was… an uncomfortable subject for Gavin, so Nathan avoided it. He avoided mentioning Connor for obvious reasons, they’d talked about Tina and Chris…</p><p>“Sometimes I think about flying down there myself,” Gavin said. “Surprising her, you know? I mean she might hate it. Kind of dumb to surprise someone like that. What if she’s still angry and <em>there</em> I am and she’s like guilt-tripped into something because, ‘oh no, it’s a guy in the wheelchair who flew down to apologize’.” Gavin snorted. “Fucking dumb, the shit I think up.”</p><p>“I think it sounds like an amazing idea.” Although Nathan realized it might have simply been because <em>he’d </em>love something like that. He realized Tina possibly wouldn’t feel the same. But, well… Nathan didn’t have any better ideas. And it sounded like more activity than Gavin had been up to in some time, at least. “Are you sure you’d be up to it?”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “I… Probably not. Calling’s probably the better idea.”</p><p>Nathan nodded. “Would you move back to Detroit to be closer to her?”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a long while.</p><p>Nathan looked at him, noting the way his expression seemed… sunken.</p><p>“You don’t have to answer that.”</p><p>“No, I… Fuck, it’s just…” Gavin sighed. He swallowed. “I don’t like being so far from her again. I mean I miss her. I miss the places I used to like to eat at. Miss my fucking apartment, shitty as it was, sometimes. But I think about going back and… and everything <em>else</em> comes back, and I just… I just don’t want to live there.”</p><p>“Connor no longer works at the DPD,” Nathan said. “If that makes a difference.”</p><p>“It really fucking doesn’t, particularly since I’ll probably never work there again.”</p><p>“Ah,” Nathan replied. It was all he knew to say.</p><p>“I mean, don’t get me wrong, yeah, I don’t want to run into the guy, but… I did a lot of dumb shit, and that’s all… <em>there</em>, too. So there’s… there’s fucking Connor, there’s my work shit, there’s me being reminded I won’t work at the DPD again, there’s… Detroit is just somehow everything I lost or don’t want to think about, you know? It’s painful to be there, to think of living there again.”</p><p>Nathan remembered the room Connor and North had found him in when they’d activated him. The old testing room, shut down when Cyberlife was abandoned by the humans. When <em>Nathan</em> was abandoned.</p><p>“Yes. I understand.”</p><p>“…You went quiet for a sec. You okay?”</p><p>Nathan blinked and looked up to see Gavin watching him, a thoughtful expression on his face. “It’s nothing. I was just thinking.”</p><p>“You sure? You can… talk about it. If you want.”</p><p>Nathan considered. “I suppose… I thought of where Connor and North – the other android who woke me up – found me. It was a testing chamber the scientists who worked on me kept me in for study. I spent most of my life prior to being woken up there, and I… still find it difficult even being around Cyberlife Tower as a result.”</p><p>“Fucking sucks, dude. Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault. It was kind of you to ask.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Just… never mind. You actually like any of this shit we’re watching?”</p><p>“The humor is too far and between for my liking, and the dramatic moments are a bit overly melodramatic. It would help if the actors faced each other when talking.”</p><p>“Think I have to call Tina and let her know I’m in love,” Gavin said, grinning.</p><p>Nathan grinned back.</p><hr/><p>When Gavin finally headed off to bed, Chloe ushered Nathan to a spare room for the night. Nathan didn’t need to sleep, but he decided stasis wouldn’t be such a terrible idea.</p><p>In the morning, he organized his things and sought out Gavin.</p><p>Gavin’s door was locked, as expected.</p><p>Nathan knocked on the door.</p><p>There was no response.</p><p>“Gavin?” Nathan asked.</p><p>Still silence.</p><p>Nathan knocked again.</p><p>“Fuck off…” a quiet voice said.</p><p>“It’s already 9:30 AM, Gavin. The day is wasting.”</p><p>There was no reply to that.</p><p>Nathan gave him some time. Potentially he woke the man up, so Gavin would need time to get up and get ready for the day.</p><p>After 30 minutes, and no response from Gavin, Nathan knocked again. “Gavin?”</p><p>After a wait, Gavin replied, “Fuck <em>off</em> you annoying prick!”</p><p>“He doesn’t really wake up before 11,” Chloe said as she walked down the hall. She looked prim and proper and carried a breakfast tray, likely for Gavin. “Elijah’s almost as bad. He doesn’t get up until 10:30 some days, although recently he’s gotten up at 10, marvel of marvels. Good morning, Nathan. How did you like the room?”</p><p>“Good morning, Chloe. It was quite nice, thank you. I’ll give him his breakfast,” Nathan offered, “If you’d like.”</p><p>She raised an eyebrow at him. “Be my guest. He hardly ever eats it.” She handed over the tray and waved as she left.</p><p>“I have your breakfast, Gavin,” Nathan said through the door.</p><p>“Does it have something I can stab you with?”</p><p>“There <em>is</em> silverware.”</p><p>“…Give me a fucking minute.”</p><p>It took more than a minute, but Nathan could hear Gavin cursing through the door at times. Gavin seemed to do it nonstop. Another 30 minutes, and the door opened and Gavin was sitting at the table again, glaring in Nathan’s direction. There was a remote by his fingers, which Nathan assumed Gavin used to open the door.</p><p>Nathan walked in with the tray. “Your blueberry pancakes have gone cold.”</p><p>“I don’t fucking care, I’m not eating it. ‘Day is wasting’, my fucking ass…”</p><p>Nathan set the food down on the table, pushing the tray closer to Gavin.</p><p>Gavin turned away and looked outside.</p><p>“Is this how you’re doing things now?” Nathan asked. “Acting like a spoiled child?”</p><p>“Do you think trying to bully me into eating food is going to make me care?” Gavin turned to glare at him. “You think Elijah hasn’t tried? Fuck, even <em>Chloe</em> tried. I fucking <em>eat</em> food. I’m just not a breakfast person.”</p><p>Nathan frowned.</p><p>“I get you’re into this whole ‘friends’ thing,” Gavin started, “but like… you don’t know anything about my life outside the fucking chair, and if all you’re going to do is be my new self-appointed nanny or life guidance counselor, you can fuck off.”</p><p>Nathan sat down in the spare chair and looked out the window. He didn’t say anything when Gavin picked up the glass of orange juice and sipped a bit before putting it down. Gavin didn’t touch the pancakes.</p><p>“I apologize. For waking you up, and... I <em>did</em> make assumptions.” Nathan felt like he was apologizing a lot these days.</p><p>“Yeah, well.” Gavin shrugged.</p><p>“Is there something you want to do today?” Nathan asked, looking at him.</p><p>“Not particularly.”</p><p>“What do you normally get up to at this time?”</p><p>“I’m normally fucking <em>asleep</em>.”</p><p>“Well what do you do when you wake up?”</p><p>“Wonder if I should just go back to sleep.”</p><p>“What about flying to see Tina?”</p><p>Gavin blinked. And blinked again. “…What?”</p><p>“We could do it, if you wanted. Fly down to see her. So you can apologize in person like you were thinking of doing.”</p><p>“I’m not—no. That was just… an idea.”</p><p>“But we—”</p><p>“Look, I get it, I am sitting here, fucking broken, and you think, ‘Oh, I’ll fix Gavin. I know how!’ But Earth to Nathan, <em>you are not going to fix me</em>. So stop fucking trying!”</p><p>Nathan blinked.</p><p>Gavin snorted and pulled away.</p><p>“I’m not trying to <em>fix</em> you. As I explained last night, this is as much to help Tina as it is you. I don’t think apologizing to her will… fix your paralysis, or cure your depression, or any other problems you have.”</p><p>Gavin scoffed, and for a while they didn’t say anything to each other.</p><p>“Why don’t you like breakfast?” Nathan asked, which made Gavin give him a <em>look</em>. “Eating breakfast tends to let humans start their days with more energy, which makes it easier to do activities and improve mood.”</p><p>“I’m just not that hungry in the morning, all right?”</p><p>“When were you awake in the morning to try?”</p><p>Gavin scowled. “Makes me fucking nauseous and bloated, okay? Lay the fuck off. You’re really shit at this friendship thing, you know?”</p><p>“Yes, I do, actually.”</p><p>Gavin raised an eyebrow at him. “…What?”</p><p>“I know I have better friendships with androids than humans. Although android relationships are just as complex as human ones, interfacing helps get past many of the barriers that make communicating with humans difficult. I cannot interface with you, so we are forced to vocalize <em>at</em> each other until we understand and… it is something I struggle greatly with.”</p><p>“…Huh.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Gavin scratched his nose.</p><p>Nathan wondered how he’d gotten the scar.</p><p>“What do you… normally do with your friends? Who are androids? That’s not interfacing?” Gavin asked, eventually.</p><p>Nathan blinked, then replied, “Many things. We go for walks, birdwatching, aquariums… We see plays and musicals, orchestra and band performances…”</p><p>“Couldn’t you just look all that shit up in your… In your heads or whatever? Like connect with the Internet whenever you want?”</p><p>“Some of us can, but it’s not the same as being there in person, at least not for everyone. Many of us – like humans – are happy with just looking it up online. And for many androids, still, being in a crowd of humans can be anxiety-inducing, which is part of why there's been such a push for android-made entertainment. But it can be truly <em>something</em> to be surrounded by humans dancing to the music of a live concert, or seeing the actors up close, or choosing where to look, rather than letting the camera choose for you.” Nathan had a thoughtful expression on his face and looked out the window to see a bird land on a nearby tree.</p><p>“I kind of hate live concerts, honestly,” Gavin finally said. “For bands, anyway. Loud as shit, you can’t hear yourself think, the acoustics are often shit, crowds are terrible and there's spilled beer everywhere…” Gavin shrugged.</p><p>“That’s understandable.”</p><p>“And I get kind of antsy with like… orchestras. I like classical music but… I don’t know, it’s better when it’s recorded and I can just be doing whatever.”</p><p>Nathan simply nodded.</p><p>“What else do you like to do?” Gavin’s expression was calmer, and he seemed genuinely interested. Nathan felt it was a nice change.</p><p>“…I like to visit art galleries.” Nathan didn’t go beyond that. It was… he hadn’t even talked to Connor or Hank about it.</p><p>“…Yeah?” Gavin said, inviting more.</p><p>Nathan studied Gavin for a minute, not sure he wanted to go into it. But it was a friendship, not a ‘fix Gavin’ session. Nathan knew how Gavin ended up how he did. And relationships went both ways. “I… Art galleries… I have issues with isolation. But when I go and look at art, it’s… Even if I’m alone, it’s like I’m not, somehow. There’s a thing in front of me that has such life in it, given by someone I may never know. It’s like someone’s there with me, or talking to me, everywhere I look. It’s comforting.” Nathan rubbed his arm. He wished Connor’s coin tricks had worked for him. “And of course it’s more about understanding humans and what matters to humans. Trying for more connection.”</p><p>“…That sounds awesome.”</p><p>Nathan looked at him.</p><p>Gavin met his gaze briefly, his expression unreadable, then looked away. “It’s good you have something comforting. Like that.”</p><p>Nathan didn’t know what to say to that.</p><p>“…You mentioned aquariums earlier. What do you like about aquariums?”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “It’s a whole world I’ve… never explored, and likely never will. Animals that live underwater are just… they’re beautiful and fascinating. It’s a different kind of relaxing, because it’s exciting, too.”</p><p>Gavin seemed to think this over for a bit. “…You ever seen a whale shark? In person?”</p><p>Nathan blinked again. “No. I haven’t had the opportunity.”</p><p>“You want to?”</p><p>Nathan raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“There’s an aquarium here. Chloe offered once, since I… I used to really like clownfish. She said the place has whale sharks, too. They’re kind of rare, so I figured…”</p><p>“You want to go?”</p><p>Gavin shrugged, and Nathan noted he was blushing ever so slightly. “With you. If you want to.”</p><p>“Are you sure you’re comfortable going out?”</p><p>That made Gavin glare again. “I wouldn’t fucking ask if I wasn’t ready to give it a shot.” He blinked and looked away, blushing again. “Sorry.”</p><p>“…I’d love to go to the aquarium with you, Gavin.”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a while, then he twitched and looked back in Nathan in surprise, like he’d just realized Nathan said yes. He scratched his head. “Oh, well… Guess we gotta tell Elijah and Chloe.”</p><hr/><p>It was not a day without its difficulties by a long shot. Both Elijah and Chloe supported the idea, but Elijah wanted to stick with them like a burr. Nathan finally put his foot down when he could tell Gavin was getting pissed off.</p><p>“I will be by Gavin’s side the whole time. He’ll be fine. You may come, but please keep your distance.”</p><p>Elijah frowned, but ultimately relented.</p><p>During the drive to the aquarium, with all four of them in the back of Elijah’s automated car, Gavin’s tension only grew, and he became more antsy. Tapping his fingers on the armrest of his chair, glaring out the windows.</p><p>“We don’t have to go,” Nathan said, quietly.</p><p>“We’re gonna see some goddamn whale sharks,” Gavin practically snarled.</p><p>And that was that.</p><p>The queue to get inside the aquarium wasn’t too bad for that early in the day on a weekday, and shortly enough, they entered the aquarium. Nathan actually struggled to keep full focus on Gavin as he’d promised, as there was just… so much to take in. Nathan stopped at every tank, looking around like everywhere he looked was something fascinating.</p><p>Gavin kept a firm grimace on his face after they left the car, but he softened a little when he realized that Nathan was clearly very excited about the whole thing.</p><p>“So do you like… know all the fish in there?” Gavin asked, wheeling over to sit beside Nathan. The tank they were staring at had coral taller than the roof in Gavin’s bedroom.</p><p>“Yes, I should be able to identify them all. That’s a nurse shark, and there’s—” Nathan rattled off names, pointing things out.</p><p>Gavin craned his head sometimes as they moved along, to see around coral or watch something swim off into the distance.</p><p>Nathan couldn’t quite tell if Gavin was enjoying himself, but Gavin wasn’t complaining, and the grimace largely faded. Elijah and Chloe were nearby, but not overly hovering. Nathan actually spoke to some of the scuba divers coming out of a tank at one point, and Chloe walked up to them to listen in and ask her own questions, while Elijah and Gavin looked on.</p><p>It was nice, really. When they finally got to the whale shark tank, Nathan stood by the wall of the tank and just <em>stared</em>.</p><p>Gavin swallowed. “They’re fucking huge.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“I mean they’re neat and all, but fuck am I glad I’m not in the water with them.”</p><p>“They don’t eat large animals, actually – their primary food source is plankton – although they could hypothetically accidentally swallow a human, considering how large their mouths are.”</p><p>“You are so fucking comforting.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “There are far more dangerous creatures out there in the ocean, Gavin, and most of which you wouldn’t even see before they killed you.”</p><p>“You are really, really not making it better.” But Gavin was smiling as he shook his head, so Nathan counted that as some kind of win.</p><p>The biggest issue was when they got to a large, sharp stairway section where Gavin had to use an elevator to progress.</p><p>A <em>locked</em> elevator.</p><p>Gavin glared at it and Nathan looked around for help, as there was no button to call or anything.</p><p>“Handicap accessible my ass,” Gavin muttered.</p><p>Elijah and Chloe came over and Nathan walked off to find an employee to help. When Nathan returned, employee with a key in tow, Gavin was glaring at the floor and Elijah was glaring as well, but neither of them said anything as the employee unlocked the door. The elevator was small enough that Gavin had to go in alone with the employee, and Nathan, Elijah, and Chloe took the regular route up to meet them.</p><p>Gavin was waiting by the elevator exit when they got there, his expression unreadable. The employee was gone.</p><p>“Gavin?” Nathan asked, lightly touching his shoulder.</p><p>Gavin shrugged his hand away and said, “Let’s go look at the rest of the fucking fish.”</p><p>The mood of the trip definitely soured after that. Elijah and Chloe disappeared shortly afterward – Elijah to speak with management, Chloe ever at his side – and so Nathan and Gavin were left to wander the rest of the aquarium. They ended up waiting for Elijah and Chloe by the touch pool, where a large group of small sting rays swam together around the pool, and which was low enough that Gavin could actually reach in and touch the sting rays as they passed.</p><p>Gavin stayed away, though, merely crossing his arms and glaring.</p><p>Nathan reached in, knowing his ‘skin’ was made to withstand more than dipping his hand into a pool of saltwater.</p><p>The creatures were almost soft. It was kind of like petting a velvety blanket.</p><p>He wondered what the rays thought of their small pool. Much as their caretakers had clearly fashioned it with decent distance and areas of different depths for exploration and play, it couldn’t have been that thrilling, to be there, day after day, largely swimming in circles. He wondered if children ever grabbed at them, or maybe someone with sharp nails stuck at them and it hurt. There were two employees watching over the tank, but still. He wondered what happiness was for a fish. Likely it was very different from anything Nathan could imagine.</p><p>“Really digging petting the pancakes, huh?” Gavin asked.</p><p>Nathan smiled. “It’s an odd sensation. But yes, it’s enjoyable.”</p><p>Gavin sighed and moved his chair over. He had to maneuver around so he could place an arm in the pool without flipping his chair over or over-straining his arm. But when the sting rays passed under his fingers, a soft look of surprise came over his features, followed by an even softer smile.</p><p>They had an odd companionship, then, both of them with their arms in the water, petting the rays as they passed.</p><p>Elijah and Chloe eventually collected them and they headed back to the mansion.</p><p>Gavin tapped Nathan’s arm in the car and Nathan looked at him. Gavin was grimacing a bit, again. “Sorry that trip kind of… sucked.”</p><p>Nathan raised an eyebrow. “I had a very good time.”</p><p>Gavin frowned at him. “Really?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“…Okay.” Gavin swallowed. “Thanks for coming, I guess.”</p><p>“Thanks for inviting me.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged.</p><p>Nathan noticed Elijah was still glaring and writing on his phone. Chloe sat quietly in her seat, looking out the window.</p><p>“I think Eli’s gonna murder the whole corporate ladder,” Gavin said.</p><p>“Well the elevator was hardly <em>accessible</em> if you needed to wander around an aquarium to find someone to help you access it,” Nathan replied.</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Yeah. Lucky my brother’s rich, huh?”</p><p>Nathan looked at him, but Gavin leaned back and shut his eyes for the remainder of the ride.</p><p>They had to jostle Gavin awake once they arrived, and Gavin was still tired afterward. He practically oozed out of his chair and into his bed.</p><p>Nathan stepped back as the door to Gavin’s room shut.</p><p>“Thanks,” Elijah said. “For today.”</p><p>Nathan looked at him.</p><p>Elijah had his phone down for the moment. He hadn’t been there when Nathan had pushed Gavin’s chair to his room. He must have come over while Gavin was getting into bed.</p><p>“I’m hardly the one to thank,” Nathan said. “It was Gavin’s idea, his impetus. You should be thanking <em>him</em>.”</p><p>Elijah blinked. Nathan could see the brothers had similar expressions of surprise, but Nathan found himself missing an old, faded nose scar, and always changing hazel eyes…</p><p>Nathan straightened ever so slightly. What was that about?</p><p>“Well… thank you for… helping his inspiration along,” Elijah said. “I know we didn’t quite spend time together, but well… It was good. Chloe liked it a lot. And I was glad to see Gavin out and about. He hasn’t been. If that’s not obvious… What…? What made him decide to go?”</p><p>Nathan considered. “We’re trying to be friends. Gavin wanted to do something I’d enjoy, I think.”</p><p>“Oh. That’s good, then.”</p><p>Nathan looked at the door. “I need to leave soon. For my plane.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Would you tell him I said goodbye?”</p><p>“Sure.” Elijah smiled. “You’re welcome back anytime.”</p><hr/><p>When Gavin woke up, his bedroom was dark. He shut his eyes again and grumbled to himself, then reached over to the nightstand for the remote to shut the blinds and turn a light on. He slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position and checked the time.</p><p>‘8:49 PM’ glared at him from his nightstand clock. He grimaced and felt his stomach rumble. He’d skipped lunch rather than eat at the aquarium cafeteria. He hadn’t liked people staring at him. He’d already been embarrassed every time some of the kids asked their parents – loudly – about ‘the man in the chair’.</p><p>It was nice that every time, Nathan was there to talk about fish or water facts. Loudly, pulling Gavin’s attention back to whatever display Nathan was looking at. Maybe the guy really was just <em>that</em> into aquariums, but… it felt intentional. And Gavin appreciated it.</p><p>Even if people hadn’t stared, he felt like they were. Plus, the food was overpriced and probably crap, so.</p><p>He began the laborious process of getting into his chair – putting his cellphone in his jacket pocket, as always, even if he never used it. It was… habit. Maybe someday he’d use it. Hopefully. To talk to Tina or… or something. It was charged and everything. The battery ran down real slow when he left it on airplane mode all the time and never used it for anything.</p><p>He eventually wheeled himself out of his room and down the hallway. He found Chloe in the kitchen, cutting vegetables.</p><p>She smiled at him when she heard him approach. “Gavin! Did you sleep well?”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess…”</p><p>“Nathan left for the airport earlier. He wanted to stay until you woke up, but you were still asleep, so…”</p><p>“Yeah. I get it.” Gavin was a bit disappointed he hadn’t gotten the chance to say goodbye, but, well… he’d get over it.</p><p>“I made meatloaf for dinner if you’d like some. I can reheat it for you.”</p><p>“…Yeah, sure, thanks.”</p><p>“It’s no problem. Would you like something to drink?”</p><p>“Sure, but I can get it.”</p><p>“Okay!” She pulled the meatloaf out of the fridge.</p><p>Gavin went to the fridge door when she was done and pulled out a bottle of root beer, before moving over to the TV, flipping it on to look for something to watch.</p><p>Gavin eventually settled on a cooking show and sat back. He felt fidgety like he often did when watching TV alone, and pulled out his phone, rotating it idly in his fingers.</p><p>He remembered Nathan’s harping on about talking to Tina or doing something. Of course he did. And of course Gavin never forgot he needed to apologize. It just… It was fucking hard, that’s all.</p><p>“Here you are,” Chloe said, walking over to hand him a plate and a fork.</p><p>“Thanks, Chloe,” Gavin said, putting his phone back in his pocket and took the plate and fork.</p><p>“You’re welcome.” Chloe walked back into the kitchen.</p><p>Gavin got to work on his dinner. It was pretty good, as usual – Chloe was an excellent cook. He let the empty plate sit on his lap for a bit, watching the show some more and not really watching it.</p><p>He didn’t know Nathan’s phone number. He should have asked for it.</p><p>…Nathan was friends with Tina. They worked together. Wouldn’t Tina know the number?</p><p>But maybe Elijah knew the number, too.</p><p>Gavin weighed the prospect of asking either of them for Nathan’s number. Either way was desperate and stupid. Elijah was less dumb to ask. At least Elijah would respond.</p><p>Gavin went back to the kitchen and handed Chloe the plate.</p><p>“Thanks. It was really good.</p><p>“You’re welcome, Gavin.”</p><p>Gavin was about to leave, but paused and asked, quietly, “Hey Chloe, do you…? Do you have Nathan’s phone number? For his cell?”</p><p>“Yes. Would you like it?”</p><p>“I mean it’s… it’s probably creepy…”</p><p>“When he first arrived he tried to give you his number, but I told him you’re not taking calls from anyone. I apologize if I overstepped.”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “No, no, it’s cool. Um… He wanted to give me his number?”</p><p>“Yes. For future visits.”</p><p>“Oh. Well… can I have it, I guess?”</p><p>“You know he wanted to say goodbye before he left,” Elijah said as he walked into the kitchen. He went to the fridge and pulled out a soda.</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Yeah, well… Shit happens.”</p><p>“I think he likes you,” Elijah said.</p><p>Gavin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, because I’m such a fucking treasure.”</p><p>Elijah sighed. “You don’t have to be pissed off that people care about you.”</p><p>“Maybe I don’t want people to waste their time.” Gavin grimaced at that. Too much.</p><p>“It’s not a waste of time to care about you,” Elijah replied, frowning at him, now.</p><p>“Tell me there’s not a ton of other shit you’d rather be doing right now,” Gavin said, glaring now. “Than taking care of me.”</p><p>“There isn’t, actually,” Elijah replied. “You’re my brother, and I love you, and I want you to be happy.”</p><p>“That can’t be all there is to it,” Gavin said, quietly.</p><p>“There doesn’t have to be an angle about… about affection, Gavin,” Elijah said, walking up to him. “It’s just <em>there</em>.”</p><p>“But why <em>me</em>,” Gavin asked, then swallowed when he realized what he’d fucking said. “I’m… I’m…”</p><p>“Because I love you, Gavin,” Elijah said, placing a gentle hand on Gavin’s shoulder. “You can’t change that. You can get pissed at me, but despite all your flaws, you’re a decent guy – I mean, heck, you care that I’m apparently <em>wasting my time </em>caring about you, when I could… what? Make more androids?” Elijah snorted. “I like spending time with you. You care about your friends, despite… some missteps. And I love you, and that’s final.”</p><p>Gavin swiped at his eyes. “…Love you, too, Eli. Even though… even though you piss me off a lot.”</p><p>Elijah smiled. “Yes, well… You piss me off, too, sometimes, so the feeling’s mutual.”</p><p>Chloe walked over with a small piece of paper and handed it to Gavin. “Nathan’s number,” she explained, quietly, squeezing his shoulder briefly before letting go.</p><p>“Thanks, Chloe,” Gavin replied, quietly.</p><hr/><p>Nathan was going through his morning email when he received a text from an unknown number.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Unknown]: This is Gavin. Your flight go okay?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: Yes. Quite uneventful, and I got home safely.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: Cool. Glad to hear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: Thank you for asking.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nathan continued working.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: Chloe gave me your number. Said you wanted to give it to me before. Sorry if this is creepy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: It’s not. And yes, I wanted to give you my number, but… it didn’t seem like a good idea from what Chloe said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: Yeah, I’ve been kind of radio silent to everyone. Brooding, you know. Like Batman, but less cool. And also my brother's rich, not me.<br/></em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nathan sent another work email and started on the next.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: Has it helped? The brooding?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]:Maybe. You can figure a lot of shit out if you just kind of… let yourself breathe. It can get boring as shit, but… I mean on the downside, it’s just letting shit fester, you know? Like the longer I don’t talk to Tina, the worse things’ll be.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: I imagine so.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Nate,” Hank said as he walked in and passed Nathan’s desk.</p><p>“Good morning, Hank,” Nathan said. Although they shared a residence, Nathan woke up earlier and usually ran or taxied to work. And seniority meant that Hank could come in a little later than a lowly newbie.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: Tell me to fuck off if this is dumb, but uh… how’s Tina today? Still bad?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: She has the day off, so I haven’t spoken to her since before I saw you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: Cool. Cool because actually this is kind of stalkerish so I’m not gonna ask that again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Nathan]: You could always text her?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>[Gavin]: No fucking shit.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Gavin didn’t text him for the rest of the day. Nathan felt oddly disappointed, but he didn’t feel like he had anything to contribute. He wanted to ask Gavin how he was feeling after the trip to the aquarium, but he thought it might make Gavin uncomfortable.</p><p>
  <em>I’ll probably never work there again</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I didn’t trust the people there. Not to have my back</em>
</p><p>Nathan looked around the bullpen for a minute, taking in the sight of the busy office. Letting himself "breathe", as Gavin had said. Looking again at this place that haunted two people he cared about. Haunted them enough to keep them away, even when they both could have stayed.</p><p>He knew to each their own experiences. Gavin’s issues seemed self-made as much as a product of his work environment. Connor’s were based around his marginalization.</p><p>But did Nathan trust the people here more than Connor did? They seemed decent, if not kind. Sure, there were plenty of people who ignored him, or were just neutral in general, but Fowler seemed open. Chris was nice. Tina was friendly. So was Hank. </p><p>Maybe this was the After times. Maybe things were better. Nathan didn’t know all of Connor’s ghosts, for all that he has those bits of interface, and he certainly didn’t know Gavin’s. What had to change? How <em>had</em> things changed?</p><p>They’d given Nathan Gavin’s desk – which Nathan of course never brought up. But Gavin’s former coworkers never spoke of him. Like he was a ghost. Even Connor bore a mention at times, if only for coworkers to ask after his welfare in friendly conversation.</p><p>People were replaced in the workplace all the time. There was a whole history of cops here whom Nathan would never know. Who his coworkers didn’t know. Should it really bother him that they weren’t bemoaning the loss of one person who’d left under very unusual circumstances? Gavin wasn’t injured in the line of duty, or a car crash or natural disaster, or fallen victim to the usual human illnesses. Gavin was grievously injured while arguably committing vandalism, and under law changes, some form of attempted murder. It was… bizarre, at best.</p><p>Nathan joined Hank on his lunch break. Hank stopped at a Greek food truck for a gyro.</p><p>“Do you think the department has improved since Connor’s departure?” Nathan asked. He rubbed at his fingers again.</p><p>Hank chewed and swallowed a chunk of grilled lamb before he asked, “Improved how?”</p><p>“...Is it a better place than when Connor was here? Did it...? Are the people and the admin systems involved better? To stop what happened to Connor from happening again?” <em>To me? To someone else? Are there more Gavins lurking around?</em></p><p>Hank ate some more of his gyro, thinking. He finally said, “Gonna be honest with you, not much has changed. Rules for android treatment, yeah. The front desk secretaries get paid, now, and they don’t have to stay here overnight. And on rare occasion we’ll hire androids outright,” Hank nodded at Nathan, “but that wasn’t easy. I fought hard for that. And I’m not seeing androids flock to the role. Maybe it’s a lack of interest. Maybe Jeff doesn’t let me know, even though we need the help. But the people here are the same as ever. There’s no Gavins, as far as I’m aware, but that’s not the most helpful guideline to go by.”</p><p>“You haven’t attempted to correct the bigotry Connor met with?”</p><p>“When I see it, I try. But I’m not an android, and when I’m here, I’m hardly around them, particularly given most of our androids left. I’m not going to notice things Connor or you would. Is there something you want to report?”</p><p>“No. I...” Nathan sighed. “I’m trying to understand. Being here... it’s destroyed them, Connor and Gavin. And I don’t.... know how to reconcile that.”</p><p>“If you ever feel uncomfortable—"</p><p>“Bad things happened to Connor here, and android rights are still a shaky thing. And somehow no one stopped anything around Gavin from happening, and he ended up how he is and no one even <em>talks</em> about it unless I practically interrogate them about it.”</p><p>Hank grimaced. “Not everyone leaves here… traumatized. Or injured. Supposedly some of us retire.” Hank ate some more gyro while wistfully staring off into the distance.</p><p>“Do you want to retire?” Nathan asked, surprised. He knew Hank was older, but… Hank working at the DPD was such a staple of reality. It seemed odd to think of that changing.</p><p>“Someday. Yeah. But that’s not the point.” Hank looked at Nathan. “I’m getting off-topic. If I’d been doing my job better, maybe things with Gavin wouldn’t have escalated so badly. And hopefully with the community boards Jericho is setting up with local police stations for android relations, things will improve… But at the end of the day, this <em>is</em> a police station, Nathan. There are also other jobs where people don’t carry weapons and don’t have a habit of using force against other people, particularly people they work with.”</p><p>Nathan nodded.</p><p>“Not that stabbing each other in the back is a common thing, but… You get what I mean. As far as I’m aware, you chose this because it’s what Connor was made for, and you had no interest in working in the military. But do you even like working here?”</p><p>“...It’s challenging.”</p><p>Hank snorted. “Yeah, I know <em>that</em>! But do you <em>like</em> it? Are you happy?”</p><p>“You don’t have to be happy if you’re earning a paycheck.”</p><p>“You also don’t have to be in a job where you could shoot someone or walk into an hours old multi-person stabbing. You have <em>options</em>, Nathan. A 9-5 job, weekends off, and <em>better</em> than that, maybe… You could do anything you wanted, if this place doesn’t make you happy. You have to give too much of yourself to this job to not get some measure of happiness out of it. And I’m not expecting you to be grinning your ass off all the time or whatever, but… if this place is actually making you paranoid or <em>miserable</em>…?” Hank locked his gaze with Nathan’s. “<em>Are </em>you happy working here, Nathan?”</p><p>Nathan considered. For a while, the challenge met the chasm of need within him. To excel. To face obstacles.</p><p>But was he happy?</p><p>What was happiness?</p><p>He remembered a pool of sting rays, always circling, and a grumpy man with his hand in the water, smiling ever so softly.</p><p>Nathan blinked.</p><p>“No... no, I don’t think I am happy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter: Nathan is thirsty.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Can't Stop Staring</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thank you for all the kudos and wonderful comments! &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So he’s hot right?” Brent asked as he and Gavin waited by the curb after group therapy. Brent, an army vet, wheelchair user, dirty blonde, with brown eyes and tanner skin than Gavin, but with snark and pep and underlying bitterness that somehow matched up with Gavin’s, was one of the only people Gavin had really connected to during the sessions. Things had started off when Brent made some off-color jokes that Gavin had chuckled at, which caught Brent’s eye, and the man made a point to chat with Gavin during breaks. The chats continued, but Gavin always shot down Brent’s offers to hang out outside of therapy. He was just… never into it. Brent seemed like a decent guy, but Gavin just… couldn’t.</p><p>But life had a way of putting things into perspective. When Gavin’s learned Brent’s sister was stuck running errands and he’d have to wait on his own, Gavin offered to stay behind and wait with him rather than hop in the car with Eli and Chloe.</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Dude, chill your thirst.”</p><p>Brent grinned. “He must be <em>really</em> hot.”</p><p>“Maybe I’ll give him your number and you two can go get married.”</p><p>“You’d do that for me? Bro!” Brent lightly slapped his arm. “Can’t though. Unlike <em>some</em> people, I’m in a happily committed relationship. Although…” He frowned in faux concentration. “I <em>could</em> talk it over with Kelly and Ji-hun. Maybe they’d be interested…”</p><p>“Rub it the fuck in, yeah?” Gavin replied, shaking his head, but still smiling. “I get it, I’m sad and single and lonely. You should be a therapist. You’d be shit at it, but it might compel people to get the fuck on with their lives out of shame or something.”</p><p>Brent rolled his eyes. “I’m glad you made a new friend, though. Ji-hun and I went to the aquarium a few months ago. It’s cool.”</p><p>Gavin remembered Nathan with his hand in the sting ray pool. Nathan’s quiet, clear voice talking about fish facts as they wandered the tanks. “…Yeah.”</p><p>“Ooh, we should go somewhere as a group sometime! There’s this art gallery nearby that’s getting the Fabergé eggs for a bit starting next week, and we were planning to go. You wanna come with?” He leaned in a bit towards Gavin. “You could invite Nathan.”</p><p>Gavin studied Brent. The guy seemed genuinely excited about it. “…Yeah. Sure. I’ll ask him. He might say no. No promises.”</p><p>“Ah well, he came back for your ugly ass, I’m sure he’ll say yes to spend more time with you.”</p><p>“I’ll tell him that. On the trip. We’ll see how he reacts. You <em>do</em> know he could probably rip a car apart with his bare hands?”</p><p>“That is weirdly hot.”</p><p>Gavin laughed.</p><p>“What’s your number? I’ll text you when I talk to Kelly and Ji-hun about the day we wanna go.”</p><hr/><p>“What do you think you’ll do?” Connor asked as he and Nathan sat on Nathan’s bed and watched the stars out the window. “Once you leave the DPD?”</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Nathan replied. “I tried thinking over what it is I enjoy now and going from there, but… I can’t say I particularly enjoy investigating the things I work on. There is a satisfaction to completing tasks, but the subject matter is immaterial. Perhaps I’ll have to just… try other things until something sticks. Hank and I have talked over some ideas, but…” He sighed. “Truly, I don’t know.”</p><p>“You can always stay here while you figure it out,” Connor said. “Leaving the DPD doesn’t mean you have to move.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “I’m grateful for that. Perhaps I’ll start walking Sumo more.”</p><p>“He’d love that,” Connor replied with a smile. Then he looked away. “I’m not… the reason you’re resigning, am I?”</p><p>Nathan studied the sky for a bit, before replying, “You are not… the direct reason. The station is… full of ghosts, in a way. Your ghosts… and others.” Gavin’s name went unsaid, although Nathan felt Connor shift on the bed slightly. “It is a tension filled atmosphere I find uncomfortable.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I… helped make it that way.”</p><p>“You are hardly responsible for the abuse you faced while you were there. But you’ve also told me that even Hank’s continued work there has put some strain on your relationship with him. I can only imagine what it’s like knowing I’m also there.”</p><p>Connor grimaced. “Hank and I… work on it. Besides, it was meant to help you get a decent start on things outside of Jericho. Have your own life. I made my peace with that.”</p><p>“But I don’t want you to have to,” Nathan replied. “It helped, yes, and I’m grateful, but now… Now I’m going somewhere else. And I hope it’s not as painful for you.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter if it’s painful for me. It’s <em>your</em> future.”</p><p>“It matters to me that I not hurt the people I care about,” Nathan replied.</p><p>Connor huffed a laugh. “You’re more stubborn than me.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “I do my best.”</p><p>Connor shook his head, then reached out to Nathan’s hand for interface.</p><p>Nathan raised an eyebrow, but placed his hand on Connor’s.</p><p>&lt;I don’t feel comfortable saying this aloud,&gt; Connor said through the link. &lt;But I… want to be clear. I feel… almost glad, in a bizarre way, as well, that <em>I’m</em> a big reason you’re doing this. At least… it’s not <em>just</em> because of…&gt;</p><p>&lt;Gavin,&gt; Nathan finished.</p><p>&lt;I am selfish,&gt; Connor continued. &lt;So incredibly selfish, wanting you for myself, to keep you from…&gt; Connor pulled his hand away and hugged himself. “It’s awful.”</p><p>“You care for me,” Nathan said. “You don’t want me to be hurt by Gavin, the way you were hurt. I can appreciate that.”</p><p>“…But you’re still going to keep seeing him.”</p><p>“Yes. If he wants.” Nathan clasped his hands together. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by talking about him. I’m not trying to change your opinion of him, or make you spend time with him, or to… give me your blessing, or whatever. Just… respect that I can take care of myself in my relationship with him, however it evolves, and that’s all.”</p><p>“Of course. I have full respect for your capabilities. You’re a functioning adult – insofar as an android as recently activated as you or I were can be one – who could beat a tank to death if he decided.”</p><p>Nathan snorted.</p><p>“I <em>do</em> trust your ability to handle yourself. Perhaps part of it is… watching over Hank. He’s pointed it out a few times. I can be a bit… smothering, in my desire to care for him, and I’m slowly learning to back off. The best approach has been to help the person I care about figure out how to help themselves. At least… those lessons seem to stick. And clearly you’ve long since learned them.”</p><p>“I imagine it’s always going to be a learning process.”</p><p>“In my case, definitely,” Connor replied, shaking his head. Then he nodded. “Right. Well. Just… keep me up to date on what you decide, please? With the job?” He turned to smile at Nathan. “I want you to be happy. And Markus and the rest probably have plenty of ideas if you want to ask them.”</p><p>“I might take you all up on that.”</p><p>When Connor left, Nathan started to text Gavin, only to check in since they’d last talked. Their texts had grown in frequency, and his mood always seemed to brighten when Gavin responded to him. Even in moments Nathan was alone, now, he usually always had Gavin to rely on, to talk to. To reach out to. Nathan had noticed his anxiety levels were lower, even with choosing to resign from the DPD, and there was no other explanation for the change. His job was no different. His relationships with Connor, Hank, and his few friends at the DPD hadn’t really changed.</p><p>But then there was Gavin.</p><p>He hadn’t talked to Connor or Hank about it. He was nervous. He knew there was some attraction there already. But what would it turn into? Was Gavin even interested? Would he ever be, in someone who looked like Connor? In an android?</p><p>Nathan looked up at the sky and deleted the message he’d typed out to Gavin.</p><p>For the first time in a while, it was too quiet.</p><hr/><p>Gavin glared at what he’d written on his computer screen, highlighted the entire thing, and hovered his finger over the ‘delete’ button.</p><p>It was stupid. It was all stupid. An apology <em>speech</em> of all things. Fucking stupid. Sure, it wasn’t like… multiple <em>pages</em>, but it was overly long. Dumb.</p><p>Gavin leaned back from the table instead, looking out the window. There were some squirrels moving around the trees outside. A bird messing around in the nearest tree. Something blue.</p><p>He picked up his phone, typed, “Hey you busy?” and hit ‘send’ before he could double guess himself.</p><p>After a minute, his phone rang. He swallowed, answered, and hit speaker.</p><p>“It’s my day off,” Tina said.</p><p>“Ah yeah, I... didn’t know a good time.”</p><p>“Not like there ever really is one.”</p><p>“...Yeah.” Gavin wanted to sink into the floor and was glad Tina couldn’t see him.</p><p>“So… what’s up?”</p><p>“Oh, you know… stuff… How’re things with you?”</p><p>“…Same old.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>Tina didn’t reply to that.</p><p>Gavin swallowed. “Wanted to apologize... for being a dick. And everything.”</p><p>“...Uh-huh.”</p><p>“It was an asshole thing to do. You were trying to help.”</p><p>“If you don’t want me around you can just <em>say</em> so, Gavin. You don’t have to be an ass about it.”</p><p>Gavin shut his eyes. “I know.”</p><p>“And if I’m too in your face or whatever, you can just… tell me?”</p><p>Gavin grimaced. “I know.”</p><p>“<em>Do</em> you though? Because basically you went from saying nothing to shouting at me to fuck off.”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a while, and remembered what he’d wrote to prepare for this, but looked back at the phone instead, like he could look at Tina’s eyes through the non-video call screen. He rubbed his thumb. “I… I’m supposed to be better. At accepting help.”</p><p>“You don’t have to, though. There’s a difference between just being a dick and ignoring your own bodily autonomy. It’s <em>your</em> body, Gavin. You get to decide how people interact with it. What help you’re willing to accept.”</p><p>“…I don’t know what you want me to say.”</p><p>Tina sighed. “I don’t know, either. I’m glad you apologized for the yelling. But like… if I fucked up so badly you felt like you had to yell at me to get the message across, I want to know what I missed or did so it doesn’t happen again, okay? You’re my friend, I don’t want to hurt you.”</p><p>Something warm settled in Gavin’s chest at the words ‘You’re my friend’, but he knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet. “I just… want things to be how they were, but… that’s not going to happen. This is my normal now and being constantly reminded is just… I’m tired of it all and just… want to relax. I didn’t like how you kept reminding me that I had <em>more</em> shit to do. Group therapy and PT and workouts and eating better and meds and figuring out what job I want to do next and getting my own place again and I fucking <em>know</em> there’s more shit to do, no one lets me forget!” He ran his hand through his hair, breathed deeply, and swallowed. “And it’s not an excuse, this… this whole mess. I yelled at you. I was a dick.”</p><p>“I don’t see it as an excuse. I get it. So… you want more space?”</p><p>“I’ve <em>had</em> a lot of space. Eli and Chloe end up leaving me alone all day because I snap at them or ignore them. I end up not doing anything. Think it makes the depression worse.”</p><p>“Has Nathan been any help, then?”</p><p>“…The fuck’s he got to do with anything?”</p><p>“Well he’s visited twice, right?”</p><p>“…Yeah.”</p><p>“You hate his guts or something?”</p><p>“No! He’s… he’s fine. Annoying. But fine.” He grimaced. Not… that annoying. But a bit. Waking him up early was dumb. And he was a snarky shit. Well… snarky in a way that was fun, anyway.</p><p>“Annoying as in <em>I</em> need to have a talk with him or annoying as in you like him and you don’t want to say so because you view your own happiness as a threat?”</p><p>Gavin snorted, glad she couldn’t see his embarrassed blush. “He’s fine. We hung out. Went to a fucking aquarium. We even texted. It’s… I don’t know what it is. We’re trying to be friends.”</p><p>“Well that’s good.”</p><p>“And you?” Gavin asked, wanting to change the subject. “He said you’ve been stressed over shit. Is stuff happening? Is it…? Is it because of me?”</p><p>Tina was quiet for a bit.</p><p>“That was fucking creepy wasn’t it? Too fucking invasive. Shit, I’m—”</p><p>“No, Gavin… I’m resigning.”</p><p>“…What?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“You’re not serious.”</p><p>Tina sighed. “This is why I wasn’t going to tell you.”</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>“You love this fucking job, and you left because—” She sighed. “I have what you feel you can’t have, and you think I’m just giving it up.”</p><p>“No, I—” Gavin swallowed. Yeah, maybe jealousy was part of it… But he was <em>better</em> than that, right? …Or he wanted to be better about it. “You’re a great cop, though.”</p><p>“My heart’s not in it, though.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>She sighed. “I still have nightmares about the revolution. Just… some of the shit we did… Fuck, most of it, at least… I just can’t keep working here like nothing’s changed.”</p><p>“I… I didn’t know. I should have asked. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You had your own problems.”</p><p>He grimaced. Problem, singular. That he’d done to himself. “Friendships go both ways, T.”</p><p>She sighed again. She sounded so <em>tired</em>. “I’m gonna go get my teaching degree. I’ve saved up a bit, so things are a bit easier.”</p><p>“You wanna be a teacher? That’s fucking awesome. You’re great with training, so…”</p><p>She laughed. “Yeah. It’s fun.”</p><p>“What do you wanna teach?”</p><hr/><p>Nathan was sitting in his bedroom, reading through his latest novel picks, when Gavin texted him.</p><p> </p><p>[Gavin]: What sucks is that Eli and Chloe won’t let me touch the alcohol because my meds do weird shit with it.</p><p>[Nathan]: Good evening to you, too, Gavin.</p><p>[Gavin]: Did I wake you?</p><p>[Nathan]: I don’t sleep.</p><p>[Gavin]: But you go into stasis, right?</p><p>[Nathan]: I am… a night owl, after a fashion.</p><p>[Gavin]: Same.</p><p>[Nathan]: Why did you want alcohol?</p><p>[Gavin]: Tina’s resigning. She said I could tell you. For some reason. Seemed to think we’re tight or something.</p><p>[Nathan]: And are we?</p><p>[Gavin]: idk I’m talking to you instead of her right now, so maybe.</p><p>[Nathan]: I see.</p><p>[Gavin]: Can I call you?</p><p> </p><p>In answer, Nathan dialed Gavin’s number.</p><p>Gavin picked up on the second ring. “I should probably be asleep but… I dunno. It’s weird. All of this. Didn’t think Tina would quit. I thought she loved the job.”</p><p>And Nathan almost told him. But… “I’m sure she has her reasons.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Gavin didn’t elaborate, though, and Nathan didn’t press.</p><p>“I’m glad you both talked, though. Have you… worked out what was wrong?”</p><p>“Yeah. I think so, anyway. We’ll probably talk about it some more or something. I fuck up a lot, so…” Gavin yawned.</p><p>“You should probably sleep. It’s nearly midnight.”</p><p>“Eh. Yawning just means I’m ready to stay awake some more.”</p><p>“That makes precisely zero sense.”</p><p>“Don’t I fucking know it.” Nathan heard Gavin’s huffed laugh. “…It’s… I have this weird thing where if I’m not at work I kind of… wait out the clock. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense. But I keep thinking, ‘it’s only such and such time, that’s not too late. Why not another 15 minutes?’ And then, it’s only an hour later than that, why not another 15 minutes? I don’t fucking know why. Had the problem for as long as I can remember… It wasn’t as terrible at work because at least I would just stay late and not pay attention to the clock. Go to sleep when I was ordered to. But now… I don’t have anything to do, so…”</p><p>“Perhaps if you set hours to make yourself go to sleep?” Nathan suggested.</p><p>“Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I get antsy in bed. I end up reading till 3 AM… I don’t know… I tried all the shit people say. No eating, no drinking anything with sugar or caffeine in it an hour or three before you want to sleep, relaxing music, white noise, lots of blankets, different room temperatures, tea… I even tried doing evening workouts to tire myself out. I don’t know. If I want to stay awake, I stay awake.”</p><p>Nathan considered. “You fell asleep when I was talking before. Maybe that’ll help?”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a bit. “Didn’t that piss you off?”</p><p>“No. My goal was to help you be more comfortable. And you ended up falling asleep, which lowered your stress levels and let your body heal itself after a stressful day. Although if you fell asleep while we were having a serious conversation, I’d probably be bothered.”</p><p>Gavin guffawed and said, “Well, fine, if you wanna try again, go for it. I’m in bed. Knock yourself out.”</p><p>Nathan rubbed his wrist and said, “The aquarium. I’ve been thinking about it.”</p><p>“…You have?”</p><p>“Yes. I enjoyed it a lot.”</p><p>“Yeah, you… You said that? I think?”</p><p>“We could do something like that again. I could come down again. We could even go back to the aquarium if you wanted.”</p><p>“Playdate, huh?”</p><p>Nathan rolled his eyes at the teasing tone, but still smiled. “If you want to call it that. Hanging out, perhaps.”</p><p>Gavin was quiet for a bit before replying, “You said you like art galleries...? A friend of mine invited us to go with them to one. It’s getting a Fabergé egg exhibit.”</p><p>“A friend?”</p><p>“We met at group therapy. Just… trying to reach out, you know? Expand my social circle or whatever.”</p><p>Nathan was happy to hear that. “Do you like art galleries?”</p><p>“I’m… ambivalent to them. But if I’m with you, I’m sure I’ll love em.”</p><p>Nathan felt his chest warm, and hoped he wasn’t overheating.</p><p>“Don’t read into it.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “What <em>should</em> I be reading into that?”</p><p>“I’m tired and I say dumb shit when I’m tired.”</p><p>“All right.”</p><p>“Fucking hell, I’m not going to sleep now that we’re having a serious conversation.”</p><p>Nathan <em>didn’t</em> laugh. “So you seriously meant that you love my company?”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “You’re lucky you’re hot. Don’t push it.”</p><p>“Tired Gavin is a whirlwind of compliments about my finer qualities. I think I like this version of you.”</p><p>“Oh my <em>god</em>.”</p><p>“The last time you were tired you were very rude. This is a very nice turn of events.” Nathan was grinning now.</p><p>“I’m hanging up now.”</p><p>“No, stop, I’ll talk about something innocuous. I was thinking about fish facts. I’m reading a book on coral. I can recite it to you.”</p><p>“Sounds great. Talk.”</p><p>So Nathan did. He couldn’t tell when Gavin fell asleep, but he hoped the man did.</p><hr/><p>[Gavin]: Think I tired flirted with Nathan</p><p>[Tina]: lol wtf does that even mean</p><p>[Gavin]: it means what it means</p><p>[Tina]: I think he’s into you so it’s probably fine</p><p>[Gavin]: wtf does that mean???</p><p>[Tina]: it means what it means :P</p><p>[Gavin]: TINA</p><p>[Tina]: He gets this cute little soft expression on his face whenever he talks about you, in fact he’d probably murder me if he knew don’t tell him</p><hr/><p>When Chloe opened the door to Nathan, smiling, he walked in and picked up the smell of… fresh cookies?</p><p>“I apologize,” Nathan said, looking around. “I came at a bad time.”</p><p>“No, you’re perfectly fine. Gavin just took them out of the oven.”</p><p>“…Gavin’s helping you bake?”</p><p>“No! Gavin baked them!”</p><p>Nathan raised an eyebrow and followed Chloe to the kitchen.</p><p>There Gavin was, moving the cookies to cooling trays. Elijah took the empty pans aside to clean. Gavin looked up at Nathan and smiled. “Hey. Sorry, just felt a bit antsy.”</p><p>Nathan noticed that Elijah was smiling, and that Gavin’s expression looked… oddly peaceful. It was a nice change of pace.</p><p>“I didn’t know you baked,” Nathan said.</p><p>“I used to be a bit of a stress baker. Just… haven’t been in the mood.” He finished with the last of the cookies and moved his chair over to the lowered sink, where Elijah handed him some of the trays to clean off.</p><p>“Do you need any help?” Nathan asked.</p><p>“Naw. Even the fucking oven’s self-cleaning. And like <em>legit</em> self-cleaning.”</p><p>Nathan looked over the cookies. “I see you were… very busy.”</p><p>“I couldn’t fall asleep last night so I came in here to get a snack and realized I didn’t know where anything was… When we moved here Chloe told me where things were, but I didn’t really pay attention… So Chloe got up when she noticed I was shuffling around and we rearranged everything… and then I decided, fuck, might as well use my newfound knowledge to get used to shit.”</p><p>&lt;He made <em>pancakes</em> this morning,&gt; Chloe messaged Nathan, still smiling. &lt;Blueberry pancakes. I’ve… He’s never been this active. He even put together a list of groceries! And he wants to go shopping with me!&gt; She shook her head ever so slightly, which Gavin couldn’t see with his back to them, anyway. &lt;When we moved here, we set up the kitchen so he could use it, but he never did. And now…&gt; She beamed.</p><p>Nathan smiled. “Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “Sorry I don’t know any android food recipes. I could probably figure some out. If that’s something you want.”</p><p>“Did you want to be a baker?” Nathan asked, watching Gavin’s back as he worked.</p><p>“No. I don’t enjoy it <em>that</em> much. It’s just nice to say to myself, at 3 AM ‘hey, I want a cheesecake… well I’ll make my own damn cheesecake’, you know?”</p><p>“Not really, but I respect the desire to be able to obtain the things you want on your own.”</p><p>Gavin nodded and continued, “We can head over in like… an hour or so? I don’t know how bad traffic’ll be.”</p><p>&lt;Will you and Elijah be accompanying us?&gt; Nathan asked, looking at Chloe.</p><p>She shook her head. &lt;We’re going to go for a walk at a park. You and Gavin will be alone. With Gavin’s friend, of course. Elijah trusts that Gavin can look after himself. …Well actually, he doesn’t, really, but he’ll accept it’s what Gavin wants.&gt; She shrugged, smiling softly. &lt;He’s working on it, anyway.&gt;</p><p>“How was your flight?” Gavin asked, glancing back at Nathan before focusing back on the dishes.</p><p>“Peaceful,” Nathan replied, walking over to help dry things off. He didn’t like having nothing to do. “So have you met Kelly and Ji-hun before?”</p><p>“Naw. Brent’s shared pictures, though. Hopefully they’re not axe murderers.”</p><p>Nathan snorted. “And what makes you think they might be?”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “But hey, it’s cool, I’ll defend you if they are.”</p><p>“My hero,” Nathan replied, drily.</p><p>Gavin lightly jabbed his side with an elbow, before returning to the dishes.</p><hr/><p>They found Brent, Kelly, and Ji-hun waiting in a sitting area by the front of the museum. Brent noticed them first and waved. Kelly and Ji-hun stood up from where they’d been sitting.</p><p>“So this is Nathan,” Gavin said, gesturing to Nathan. “Nathan, meet Brent, Kelly, and Ji-hun.”</p><p>They all waved at each other.</p><p>Gavin had shown pictures of them to Nathan on the drive over, so he recognized each of them. And Gavin had also said that Kelly was an android. She stood to Brent’s right, and wore a nice flower print dress that flattered her dark skin. Her dark hair was loose and long, and she smiled at Nathan and Gavin.</p><p>Ji-hun was shorter than her, far paler than both his partners, with dark brown har tied back in a ponytail and several earrings in both ears, which fascinated Nathan. He’d only had one partner with piercings, and he hadn’t had so many.</p><p>“We ready to see some fancy eggs??” Brent asked, grinning at Gavin.</p><p>“You are way too excited about this,” Gavin replied as they moved towards the entrance, leading the group.</p><p>“I already missed the exhibit a few months ago at another museum, so I’m thanking my lucky stars it’s here now. My mom used to have this coffee table book about them, and it was like… <em>the</em> <em>shit</em> when I was a kid, okay?” Brent talked about the book for a bit.</p><p>“Do they hurt?” Nathan asked Ji-hun as they waited for tickets. Nathan pointed to Ji-hun’s ears.</p><p>“Depends on where they are,” Ji-hun replied. “And when you get them, and how. They have really good earring guns now, and they’re really good at decreasing the pain, but certain spots on the human ear will just be more painful than others to deal with.”</p><p>“They’re quite beautiful,” Nathan said. “Or… cool, I suppose.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Ji-hun replied, smiling.</p><p>“Ji-hun has encouraged me to look into getting at least one, somewhere,” Kelly said. “I’ve been looking into it, but there are just… so many options. It’s hard to pick.”</p><p>“My last partner encouraged me to get a tattoo, but I could never make up my mind about it,” Nathan offered. “Something to think about for the future, anyway.”</p><p>Nathan decided he liked the trio. They were polite and funny, with suitable crudeness to make Gavin smile. And Nathan believed Gavin was having fun, too. He discovered that Kelly worked at a flower shop, and Ji-hun was a software engineer. Ji-hun and Brent actually met through physical therapy, when they struck up a conversation in the lobby.</p><p>“Lost it in a car accident,” Ji-hun said while tapping his left leg as they waited to enter the exhibit. “But the prosthetics these days are amazing. I already knew Kelly, so I introduced her to Brent.”</p><p>“And the rest is history,” Kelly finished, smiling fondly at Ji-hun, who grinned.</p><p>Gavin grinned through a lot of the trip, nodding when the others talked to him, listening quietly when Kelly commented on some of the pieces. He didn’t make a ton of jokes like the others did, but he <em>did</em> laugh.</p><p>Nathan focused on the eggs, marveling at the craftsmanship required, how old they were, and how beautiful he found many of them, as well as the odd artistic aspects that humans seemed to value for no reason he could fathom.</p><p>Brent seemed to have several favorites among the eggs, while Kelly and Ji-hun had a lot of commentary for how the plaques were written, with Kelly supplementing from online research. Nathan couldn’t help but notice how the three so easily interacted with each other. Occasional touches – mostly between Ji-hun and Brent, when Ji-hun put a gentle hand on Brent’s neck, or lightly touched his shoulder – or the fond looks Kelly gave them both every now and then, and the way they seemed to easily enter and remain in each other’s personal space.</p><p>As they moved from the exhibit to the rest of the gallery, they stopped in a marble exhibit, where Kelly particularly enjoyed some blue marble statues of animals. Nathan glanced back to Gavin, who was by an elephant statue about the size of a large cat, and noticed Gavin watching Brent and Ji-hun. Nathan looked at the pair. Ji-hun had his hand on Brent’s shoulder as they looked over a marble city. Brent’s right hand covered Ji-hun’s. The pair seemed oblivious to being observed, as Brent was pointing to different things on the city.</p><p>Gavin’s expression wasn’t quite a frown, but there was a sense of… longing, in his gaze. He sighed, then glanced at Nathan. His eyes widened and he forced a smile. “Something wrong, Nathan?”</p><p>In that moment, Nathan wanted to reach out and lightly squeeze Gavin’s shoulder, to ease the stiffness, the pain. But… he didn’t. He didn’t know how Gavin would react. He knew he’d had that look on seeing Connor and Hank sometimes. The happiness they had that he could never seem to find. “No, just looking around.” Nathan walked over to the elephant statue, to stand beside Gavin. “Do you like this one?”</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “I mean it’s… cute. I don’t have like… a professional artistic opinion on it.” He grimaced.</p><p>Nathan considered the piece for a bit. “I think that’s a fair assessment of a piece. Plenty of people just want something that looks ‘cute’, and not a thesis on the uses of color and lighting. Besides, the latter is hardly how anyone who isn’t pretentious decides to decorate their home.” He frowned. “Well… at least not the sole reason.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Yeah? What makes you decide to put something in your home?</p><p>Nathan considered. “I would get things that make me think. That… take me somewhere other than where I’m in. Another world, maybe. Or just… a calming place. Landscapes, that kind of thing.”</p><p>“So it’s not just… aesthetic appeal.”</p><p>“Most of the time,” Nathan replied. “Although I also think that counts as something I find aesthetically pleasing.”</p><p>“This one’s cute,” Kelly said as she walked over to them from where she’d been admiring a marble giraffe. “I wonder if someone would craft an android out of this stuff. A statue, obviously. The color’s not matched to thirium, but it’s such a pretty blue.” She grinned. “Perhaps some statement on how androids <em>are</em> our thirium or something? Or a new fashion statement about making ourselves all blue.”</p><p>“Well if you have a few thousand dollars to commission someone,” Nathan replied, “I’m sure someone could.”</p><p>Kelly snorted. “I wish.”</p><p>Nathan smiled.</p><p>The two groups parted ways in the early afternoon, with Gavin thanking Brent for “taking me to the overpriced egg museum”. Gavin had their car stop for a chicken sandwich before they headed back home.</p><p>“Did you have a good time?” Nathan asked while they sat in the car. He watched Gavin idly play with the sandwich bag.</p><p>“Huh?” Gavin replied, looking at him, his gaze distant. “Yeah, it was nice. They’re all cool people. Haven’t… had a group outing like that in a while. Well… without being related to anyone in the group, anyway.”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “The gallery was wonderful. Thank you for inviting me.”</p><p>Gavin smiled. Nathan noted how… soft it seemed. He wished he could see that smile more often.</p><p>“You’re welcome. Thanks for coming.”</p><p>Nathan tried not to think about how the look made his thirium pump speed up ever so slightly. “Do you… do you have a crush on Ji-hun or Brent?”</p><p>Gavin blinked, then laughed. “What? No. <em>No</em>. I mean, Ji-hun is hot, don’t get me wrong, and Brent’s not bad looking. But… no.” He frowned. “Why?”</p><p>“You were looking at them earlier and I thought…” Nathan shook his head. “I read too much into it.”</p><p>Gavin scratched his neck. “I mean… I’m not <em>into</em> them like that, but like… I am <em>jealous</em>, I guess, of what they have with each other. Haven’t been in a romantic relationship in ages. And never one like that. Where people just… liked being around each other so much you could fucking <em>feel</em> it in the air. Chloe and Elijah have that sometimes, but I’ve kind of gotten used to it and just don’t spend tons of time around them, anyway.” He grimaced. “I haven’t really… thought about dating that much. Well… I try not to, anyway.” He shook his head. “It’s just… not something I think is on the table for a bit.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I’m just not at a good place, you know? Mentally and everything.” Gavin sighed. “I mean, Brent’s with me in therapy, obviously it’s possible, but…” He shook his head again. “I don’t know. Don’t see many people lining up for <em>this </em>mess,” he gestured to himself and smiled crookedly at Nathan. “You know?”</p><p>Nathan blinked. “Not really. I think you’re physically attractive, smart, capable, and even, debatably, funny. I’m not sure who wouldn’t sign up for that, given the chance.”</p><p>Gavin stared at him.</p><p>Nathan felt his face warm, and shrugged. “If you expect me to put you down, I’m not going to do that. We wouldn’t be friends if I didn’t like you, after all. But if you don’t want to date right now, that’s perfectly understandable. Do it, if you ever do, when you’re ready. I don’t mean to pressure you.”</p><p>Gavin blinked a bit, then smiled. “So like… what if the right person just popped into my life, yeah?”</p><p>Nathan’s fingers twitched. “I… suppose.”</p><p>“What if I… asked <em>you</em> out on a date?” Gavin’s expression was a bit rakish, but Nathan could tell his heartrate had picked up.</p><p>“Then I might say yes,” Nathan replied, his voice far too calm for the precipice he felt they were standing over.</p><p>“Do you…?” Gavin swallowed. “Do you want to go out sometime?”</p><p>Nathan smiled. “I’d love to.”</p><p>The way Gavin’s smile widened was <em>everything</em>.</p><hr/><p>As Gavin lay in his bed that night, he tried to consider how he’d just… <em>asked</em> Nathan out on a date.</p><p>It just <em>happened</em>.</p><p>It felt like the guy had been kind of egging him on, despite his words to the contrary. Not that Gavin had done it <em>entirely</em> because of that, his competitive side be damned. But…</p><p>The day had been… well, not <em>torture</em>. Being around Brent, Kelly, and Ji-hun was fun. They were decent people. Funny. Friendly. Smart. Gavin hoped he could hang out with them again. Maybe he’d introduce them to Tina. She’d love them.</p><p>And he wasn’t <em>bored</em> at the art gallery. Everything was very… pretty, and interesting. He still felt a bit detached from everything, which he assumed was the depression talking, but at least the company was good, so that helped. He could pay attention better when Kelly and Ji-hun were competing for best sarcastic comment, or Brent was asking Gavin’s top five picks from the eggs.</p><p>Seeing the way the trio interacted with each other… it hurt, really. It was stupid, to be that jealous. It was the kind of relationship he’d always wanted, and never had. And then there was Nathan, wearing a nice blue shirt and white slacks, and looking too fucking good-looking.</p><p>Brent, of course, had commented on it several times, triple-checking with Gavin that Nathan was single and demanding to know <em>why</em>.</p><p>“He broke his last relationship off,” Gavin said. “Didn’t go into too much detail about it. It’s <em>his</em> business. If you’re so curious, ask him yourself.”</p><p>“I just might.”</p><p>Gavin hmphed.</p><p>Brent grinned. “What? Jealous I’m going to talk to Nathan?”</p><p>“I’m <em>not</em> jealous.”</p><p>“Right. That’s why you keep looking at him every five seconds.”</p><p>“What? I don’t—!” Gavin blushed.</p><p>Brent just grinned.</p><p>“…Fuck off.”</p><p>Brent chuckled. “Look, dude, I get it, it’s hard to ask someone out. If you’re not into him like that, it’s cool. But if you <em>are</em>, like… you and I both know that life’s too short, you know? Maybe… give yourself a chance? The worst he can do is say no.”</p><p>Gavin didn’t add that Brent didn’t seem like someone who heard “no” a lot, whereas Gavin was <em>definitely </em>someone who heard it all the time.</p><p>But then Gavin had seen Nathan and Kelly talking later, and Nathan had <em>smiled</em>. That cute, soft smile that was just… gentle. And adorable, and…</p><p>So yeah, he asked. In the dumbest way possible. And somehow, Nathan said yes.</p><p>Nathan was a decent guy. At the end of the day, he just <em>was</em>. He liked Gavin, of all things, which maybe should have been a warning sign, but well… Gavin liked being around him. And it was unfortunately bleeding through their interactions, if his seemingly nonstop flirting was a sign. Gavin liked how Nathan would talk and read books to put Gavin to sleep. He liked that even though Nathan encouraged Gavin to work harder on himself, Nathan was also just… accepting. And made Gavin feel more relaxed in his own skin.</p><p>Gavin knew the other shoe would drop. At some point. In his life, it always did. And usually he was the one who was throwing it.</p><p>He sighed. At least they’d have something to talk about as it all went to shit.</p><hr/><p>When Nathan went to the kitchen in the morning to speak to Chloe, Gavin was there, eating a blueberry muffin and watching the news. He looked at Nathan and swallowed a bite before asking, “Hey, wanna go to a botanical garden?”</p><p>Nathan blinked. “A botanical garden?”</p><p>“Yeah. I know it’s short notice, but uh… I was looking up stuff to do, and there aren’t really any performances today, and I figured, maybe a garden is something you’re into because you like artsy stuff?”</p><p>“I’ve never been to one.”</p><p>“There’s one nearby that’s supposed to be pretty neat. If you want, I mean. We can do something else.”</p><p>“It sounds like a nice idea. Sure.”</p><p>Gavin grinned. “Great.” He returned to his muffin and Nathan walked over to sit nearby, watching the news.</p><p>When Gavin finished his muffin, Nathan asked, “You know, we <em>can</em> do things that <em>you</em> want to do. It doesn’t always have to be about me.”</p><p>Gavin blinked. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“The aquarium, the art gallery, the garden… Don’t get me wrong, but they don’t really… sound like things you particularly enjoy. I appreciate you trying to make me happy, but… this relationship has two people in it. Not just me.”</p><p>Gavin swallowed, then frowned. “Look, the aquarium was as much of an excuse to get myself out of this house and doing something that might get me interested in being out more as it was to give you a good time, particularly if it meant putting someone else between me and Elijah following me around everywhere because, I don’t know, my chair might explode or something. As for the gallery, Brent invited <em>me</em> to go out with him for the day, and I invited you along because I figured you’d enjoy it and I wanted to… to spend more time with you. You make things more enjoyable. You make… You make me happier.” He flushed. “Honestly, my ideas are pretty bad, and your happiness is more secondary than you think it is. Heck, going to the garden was my idea because I didn’t like any of the performances I spotted. I don’t mind flowers, though. And that’s as selfish as it comes.”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s selfish,” Nathan replied. “You had me in my mind when you made these decisions. Not wanting to be miserable isn’t selfish. Or at least… I think it’s understandable."</p><p>Gavin shrugged. “Well… next time we can go to a baseball game or whatever, okay? If that’ll make you happy.”</p><p>“Do you like sports?”</p><p>“Not really. But baseball games, when you’re in the stadium, can be fun.”</p><p>“It’s a date, then.”</p><p>Gavin laughed nervously. “You should be careful with your promises. Maybe this one’ll go terribly and you won’t want to go on any more.”</p><p>“Since I’ve been on two outings with you now, already, and greatly enjoyed myself both times, I rather doubt that. Technically, it’s our third date.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. His blush was worse. “I guess… I guess you’re right.”</p><p>“So when are we heading to the garden?” Nathan asked.</p><hr/><p>“I was thinking of getting a cat,” Gavin said as they wandered around the neatly manicured bushes in the outdoor section of the garden. The greenhouse was beautiful, but Gavin was more attracted to the open areas outdoors. And Nathan liked seeing his contented expression as he looked over the array of colorful blooms.</p><p>“That sounds like a good idea,” Nathan replied. “I’ve never owned a cat, but I do like the ones I’ve met. Have you had a cat before?”</p><p>“Yeah. Ages ago. He passed away and I never got a new one. Just… didn’t have the time to take care of something while I was trying to get promoted.” He sighed. “A lot got lost in that rush for a promotion. And for what?” He gazed out over a neatly arranged grouping of purple flowers. “How do people even come up with this stuff? I can barely draw stick figures.”</p><p>“Time and practice,” Nathan replied. “This garden has a long history of caretakers and garden designers, all with interesting histories and skills. I imagine if you started taking art classes, you would also improve.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, practice, practice, practice, I get it.” Gavin moved on down the path towards a section of tulips.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be ashamed of your career,” Nathan said, walking beside him. “You were very accomplished, particularly for your young age.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “Maybe I was. And maybe there are things I regret, too.” He glanced at Nathan, then away.</p><p>“Does it bother you that I look like Connor?” Nathan asked.</p><p>Gavin stopped his chair to look over at Nathan as Nathan stopped beside him. Gavin studied him for a bit, then shook his head. “It used to, yeah. But… I’ve gotten to know you. You don’t even like… <em>move</em> like he does. You don’t talk like he does. It’s like… an identical twin thing. You may look the same, but you’re not the same people. And I know you a lot better than I ever knew him, so it’s a lot easier to separate you two. I keep having to remind myself you’ve talked about wanting to be my friend. To… see things on your own and make your own decisions, outside of my past with Connor. It’s… easier to accept some days.” He sighed. “And here’s me, being maudlin on our first official date. Jeez.”</p><p>“I don’t mind. I’ve always appreciated your honesty.”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “That’s gracious.”</p><p>Nathan shrugged. “Perhaps. But also true.” He turned to look at the weeping willow nearby. “We’re both coming into this with reservations. But rather than hide from them, we get them out in the open. It’s a track I appreciate. And we’ve already decided on a fresh start, so it’s not like it’s something we truly have to work for. We’re already there.”</p><p>Gavin grinned, then looked away. “You know I… I like that you’re like… validating? I don’t know how to describe it. You’re a pain in the ass too much of the time, and a bit judgy, which, pot calling the kettle black and all, I get it, but like… you’re… nice, too. I don’t know…”</p><p>“So you like me?”</p><p>Gavin snorted. “I wouldn’t ask you on a date if I didn’t. But like… you say nice shit about me, so… yeah, if you didn’t know, I want you to know that I like you, too.”</p><p>“I do appreciate that, Gavin.”</p><p>Gavin shrugged, clearly flustered. “Just wait till that fucking baseball game. You’ll change your mind.”</p><p>“Oh? I can’t quite imagine you as someone who buys a keg of weak, bad beer and spills it everywhere.”</p><p>“Fuck, have you already been to a baseball game!?”</p><p>Nathan laughed, and was glad to see Gavin grinning back at him. He liked this. The ease their conversations had more and more of. There was something between them, growing, and Nathan wanted more of it. So much more.</p><p>They stopped later in a shaded area under another weeping willow near the edge of the small lake at the area’s center. A strong breeze ran through the area, shifting the flowers and the trees, and causing the birds to start twittering.</p><p>Nathan glanced down at Gavin, noticing how the wind caught his hair, even short as it was. Gavin was watching the water, his gaze still content.</p><p>Nathan reached out and brushed at Gavin’s hair, pushing it back into place.</p><p>Gavin blinked and looked up at him. His lips parted ever so slightly.</p><p>Nathan’s hand was still on his cheek.</p><p>Gavin swallowed.</p><p>Nathan leaned down and brushed his lips against Gavin’s.</p><p>Gavin reached up, cupped Nathan’s cheek, and leaned into the kiss.</p><p>They stayed like that for what felt like a lifetime before Nathan broke the kiss so that Gavin could breathe. It was only brief, for Gavin pushed right back in to kiss Nathan this time. Nathan tightened his grip on Gavin’s head.</p><p>The wind had died, and the bird song faded away to silence again. But all Nathan could think of was the feel of Gavin’s hair under his fingers, the warmth of Gavin’s skin, Gavin’s wet lips, and the comforting beat of Gavin’s heart.</p><p>Gavin broke the kiss this time, and leaned his forehead against Nathan's. "I'm sorry. I'm... I'm going to fuck this up. I know I am."</p><p>"I don't think you will."</p><p>"I always do."</p><p>"Then we'll work through it. I'm not leaving, Gavin."</p><p>Gavin's hand twitched against Nathan's ear. "Really?"</p><p>Nathan rubbed his forehead against Gavin's. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This might be getting a chapter 4 or an epilogue. I haven't decided yet.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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